Being a pastor’s wife is a beautiful but complicated calling because there really is no job description for it.
Some pastors’ wives work on staff at the church while others have careers completely unrelated to ministry. Some stay at home to raise children, some lead Bible studies, some sing on the worship team, and some would rather serve quietly behind the scenes. Some are outgoing and know everyone in the church while others would much rather have a meaningful conversation with two or three people.
There is no one right way to be a pastor’s wife.
After thirty years of being one, I genuinely love the local church and the people God has allowed us to serve. Some of our closest friends and sweetest memories have come from ministry. However, ministry can also be lonely in ways that are difficult to explain unless you have lived it.
Pastors’ wives are often surrounded by people, but that does not always mean they feel known by people. They may wonder which invitations are genuine, which friendships are safe, or whether they are meeting unspoken expectations.
The good news is that you do not have to do anything grand to encourage your pastor’s wife. Some of the most meaningful things are actually pretty simple.
Here are six places to start.
1. Give her a restaurant gift card for a date night.
Let’s begin with something incredibly practical to encourage your pastor’s wife. Give your pastor and his wife a restaurant gift card and tell them to go have dinner together.
This is especially gold when there are little children at home.
Pastors and their wives spend a lot of evenings serving other people. There are counseling appointments, church meetings, rehearsals, hospital visits, Bible studies, weddings, funerals, and events. Even when ministry is wonderful, it can consume a lot of the time that would otherwise belong to a couple.
A gift card communicates that you care about their marriage, not just their ministry.
If they have young children, you can take this one step further by offering to babysit. A gift card is wonderful, but a gift card plus free childcare feels like an all-expenses-paid trip to Europe. You do not have to spend a fortune. The amount matters far less than the message behind it. You are telling them, “Your marriage matters, and I want you to have time to be together.”
A wonderful way to love your pastor is by loving his wife.
2. Let her be completely herself.
One of the greatest ways to encourage your pastor’s wife is the freedom to be exactly who God created her to be.
Please do not compare her to the last pastor’s wife, the pastor’s wife at the church across town, or the pastor’s wife you follow on Instagram.
She may not sing. She may not teach. She may not lead the women’s ministry. She may have a demanding career outside the church. She may be an introvert who would rather have four people around her kitchen table than speak to four hundred women at a conference.
She may also be a gifted teacher, leader, musician, or communicator who feels called to use those gifts in the church.
Let her serve according to her gifting rather than according to someone else’s expectations. Pastors’ wives sometimes feel pressure to fill a position simply because of whom they married. However, God gives gifts to individuals, not job descriptions to spouses. Your pastor’s wife needs the same freedom every other woman in your church needs. She needs room to discover her gifts, grow in them, and use them where God leads.
To encourage your pastor’s wife, encourage who she actually is instead of wishing she were someone else.
3. Write her a heartfelt note.
A handwritten note is always meaningful. Write your pastor’s wife a note telling her what you appreciate about her and her family. Be specific.
Tell her how her husband’s teaching has helped you grow. Tell her that you notice the way their family loves the church. Tell her something you appreciate about her personally. If one of their children has encouraged you or your child, tell her that too.
Pastors and their families hear plenty about what people wish to be different. Sometimes the smallest criticism can take up far more space in our minds than a hundred encouraging comments. That is why specific encouragement matters.
A note that says, “I want you to know how much your family has meant to ours,” may get tucked into a Bible or a drawer and reread during a much harder season. First Thessalonians 5:11 says, “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up as you are already doing.”
Do not assume she already knows what you appreciate about her. Tell her.
4. Ask how you can pray for her and then follow up.
A lot of us have said, “I’ll pray for you” and then completely forgotten to pray. I have certainly done it. Instead, ask your pastor’s wife a specific question: “How can I pray for you this week?”
Then actually pray.
A few days later, send her a text and ask how that situation is going. If appropriate, tell her that you have continued praying about it. That follow-up is what makes this kind of encouragement especially meaningful. It tells her that you were not simply being polite when you asked. You remembered.
Pastors’ wives are accustomed to praying for other people. They pray for church members, marriages, children, illnesses, crises, ministries, and the endless needs that come with loving people. It is a beautiful thing when someone turns around and asks, “What can I pray about for you?” Do not only pray for her ministry. Pray for her relationship with Jesus, her marriage, her children, her friendships, her work, and the ordinary things happening in her life.
Sometimes the most encouraging text she receives all week may simply say, “I prayed for you this morning.”
5. Invite her.
Be an inviter.
Invite her to lunch. Invite her to your girls’ night. Invite her to go shopping. Invite her to sit with you. Invite her to the birthday dinner. Invite her to coffee with the other moms.
Everyone likes to be invited.
It can be easy to assume that the pastor’s wife is already busy, already has friends, or probably would not come anyway. Sometimes people even assume she would rather not be included because inviting her might make things feel too “churchy.”
Let her decide.
The important part is that when you invite her, you also give her the freedom to say no. Women often have complicated schedules. There may be seasons when church responsibilities, family needs, or simply exhaustion mean she cannot accept every invitation.
Do not stop inviting her because she has said no a few times, and do not criticize her for not showing up. An invitation says, “There is a place for you here.” Sometimes that message is more important than whether she actually makes it to dinner.
6. Keep her confidence.
This one may be the most important. If your pastor’s wife opens up to you about something personal, understand what a gift of trust she has given you.
It can be difficult for pastors’ wives to know where it is safe to be vulnerable. They may worry that something they share about themselves, their family, their marriage, or their ministry will eventually become church conversation. Because of that, she may carry things privately for a very long time before deciding to trust someone.
If she chooses to trust you, honor it.
Do not share her story as a “prayer request.” Do not tell one “trusted friend” who tells one “trusted friend.” Do not repeat something because you assume everyone already knows. Let her story remain her story to tell.
In the normal vulnerabilities of friendship, though, being a trustworthy person is one of the greatest gifts you can give her.
If she has trusted you enough to let down her guard, recognize how valued and trusted you are in that moment. Be worthy of that trust.
Small Things Can Mean a Lot
Encouraging your pastor’s wife does not require anything elaborate.
Most of the time, it looks a lot more ordinary than that. Give her and her husband a date night. Let her be herself. Write the note. Pray and follow up. Keep inviting her. Protect the things she trusts you enough to share.
Most importantly, remember that your pastor’s wife is not simply an extension of your pastor. She is a woman who is following Jesus, loving her family, discovering her own gifts, navigating friendships, and trying to faithfully live the life God has given her.
Throughout my years in ministry, some of the people who have encouraged me most have been the ones who never made a big production out of it. They simply loved our family well. They gave me room to be myself, included me in their lives, prayed for me, and became safe places where I could simply be me.
Your pastor’s wife may spend a lot of her life encouraging the people around her. These six simple things are a pretty good way to make sure someone is encouraging her, too.
Looking for more ways to encourage your pastor’s wife? Check out this list of 5 ways to pray for your pastor’s wife.
About Angie Elkins
Angie grew up in a Christian family in the Memphis, Tennessee, area. Early in life, she developed a love for music and the local church. After graduating from Union University, she attended Southwestern Seminary to pursue a Masters in Music. While at Southwestern, she met her husband Robert. They married in 1996 and have three children: Jack, Audrey, and Foster. In the last twenty-five years, Angie has been leading worship all over the country and writing music for the local church. She is the manager of the Lifeway Podcast Network, where she cohosts Lifeway Women’s The Marked Podcast. You can connect with Angie on Instagram @angiebrownelkins.
