“Why can’t you be more like her?” It was a question that stung. I felt it in my gut—nausea and embarrassment at the same time. I was standing in the choir room of the first church my husband served full-time as worship pastor, looking at a “friend” square in the face. He was comparing me to the former worship pastor’s wife. And if I’m honest, I was wondering the same thing, Why can’t I be more like her?
It’s been twenty years since that moment, but I’ve never forgotten it. It cut to one of my deepest pain points as a worship pastor’s wife. I was constantly wondering, Am I doing this right? And my friend was essentially answering that question for me. No, no I was indeed not doing this right.
Twenty years later, I’ve learned the only way to be a pastor’s wife is the way that God has uniquely equipped me to be when I lean completely on Him.
I could write many more stories of how my feelings have been hurt or how hard ministry can be for a pastor’s wife, but instead, I’d like to give you some insight into how you can pray for the pastor’s wife in your life:
1. Pray your pastor’s wife will be completely encouraged in who she is called to be.
Just as I was compared to the woman who came before me in my previous story, many pastor’s wives are as well. They feel constantly judged instead of free and encouraged. Praying God will help them find freedom in their role and their own personalities is an essential need.
2. Pray your pastor’s wife can find and cultivate safe friendships.
The need for deep and lasting friendship is crucial for women. A pastor’s wife is no different. But because she is married to the pastor, it can often be a tricky place. She can’t confide in just anyone about her marriage, children, or even financial burdens. Sometimes it’s easier and safer to pull away from people and deal with burdens on your own. Pray that she will find the courage to reach toward a close-knit friendship instead of retreating in solitude.
3. Pray for your pastor’s wife to develop a deep, inner life with God.
This sounds almost as if it should go without mentioning. But working for, in, and around the church does not replace a work of sanctification in our own lives. Yes, God uses all our work to move us toward Christ-likeness, but a daily surrender to that spiritual formation is necessary. It’s easy for pastors’ wives to continue in godly work without engaging their hearts.
4. Pray for the things that matter to your pastor’s wife.
In many cases, it’s obviously her husband and children. So yes, put those at the top of your list. But also take the time to ask her how you can pray for her. It could be that things are hard at work or that she is struggling with a relationship and needs prayer. It is a great reminder to her that you see her as a person and not just the wife of your pastor.
5. Pray that your pastor’s wife enjoys her role.
It’s complicated, to say the least. Criticism comes toward your husband and family from all sides at times. It’s easy to lose sight of the beauty and become cynical. But there are also deeply satisfying moments of connection and ministry that a pastor’s wife gets to experience. Pray that she can string together those moments of contentment and focus less on the hard stuff.
As you consider these areas of prayer, I encourage you to make your pastor’s wife a priority in your prayer life. Put her name on a sticky note you see often, add her name to your prayer journal or pray for her on your way to church on Sunday mornings. Let her know you’re praying for her. It will mean the world to her.
Keep reading and learn how to show appreciation for your pastor.
About Angie Elkins
Angie grew up in a Christian family in the Memphis, Tennessee, area. Early in life, she developed a love for music and the local church. After graduating from Union University, she attended Southwestern Seminary to pursue a Masters in Music. While at Southwestern, she met her husband Robert. They married in 1996 and have three children: Jack, Audrey, and Foster. In the last twenty-five years, Angie has been leading worship all over the country and writing music for the local church.
In 2017, she started her podcast, and in 2023 she launched Let It Shine, a podcast about sanctification over self-help. Angie is the manager of the Lifeway Podcast Network, where she cohosts Lifeway Women’s The Marked Podcast. Angie’s favorite things are taking morning walks in her neighborhood, Walt Disney World, and trips with her girlfriends. Angie lives in Orlando, Florida, where her husband serves as the worship pastor of First Baptist Church of Orlando. You can connect with Angie on Instagram @angiebrownelkins.
