I heard it said recently that connection is a bond that forms between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued.1 Am I the only one that thought this would come naturally in marriage? When Ben and I were married, I had a list of fears, but loss of connection was not in the top twenty. After all, I had “found him whom my soul loves” (Song of Sol. 3:4, ESV). (Anyone else get a good chuckle at this idyllic expectation?) As a twenty-one-year-old woman, I was so naïve and unknowingly selfish. I had never been forced to divide my time and attention with another person. I was not prepared for the ongoing challenge of keeping a connection with my husband.
Like many people, we checked the box of premarital counseling. Of course, this was mainly done to qualify for a discount on our marriage license, but still, we sat through four sessions. Surely, those intensives provided enough tips and tricks to help us sail through this life together, with the help of an occasional date night.
I was so wrong. Fast forward twenty years, we still struggle, even more so with four busy teenagers living under our roof. Don’t get me wrong. We love them all dearly. We feel like we have been blessed with wonderful kids, but they make us feel tired all the time—both physically and emotionally.
We live in our cars going back and forth to lessons. We stay up late because it seems the only time words flow from their mouths is past 10 p.m. when we want nothing more than to go to bed. We carry heavy burdens on their behalf. We pray daily that they’re making wise decisions.
Ben and I have been forced to adapt and to hunt for alternate ways to connect. While the following list is by no means exhaustive, here are a few practical things we are doing to foster a stronger connection.
- We are in counseling.
I’m being serious—every couple should spend time each year in counseling even if you don’t have a major storm developing. Counseling has forced us to go deeper into our communication patterns. For years, Ben and I have clung to the phrase “the conversation is the relationship.”2 The conversation can so easily become stagnant in various seasons. Logistics take over, and the exploration of feelings is lost. Small talk can only connect you for so long before you begin to wonder what is really going on below the surface. Seeing a counselor regularly has been a game-changer for us, providing a safe place for vulnerability. We often leave counseling feeling less alone.
- We are using a feelings wheel.
Last year, we launched a podcast called The Glass House. We interview pastors and wives on the unique emotional challenges associated with ministry. In one episode, a pastor named Kyle Hoover explained his ritual of pulling off the side of the road on his way home from the office. Once his car was in park, he would examine a “feelings wheel” and select two emotions he had experienced that day. When he arrived home, he was prepared to go beyond the surface with his wife. At one point he confessed, “I am emotionally underdeveloped.”
Ben and I realized that day that we all experience that same temptation, to download the day with our spouse, but to avoid any reference to deeper feelings. Using a feelings wheel is easy, and something that our family is learning how to use when the conversations feel dry. To find one, just Google it and pick from many options.
- We are using the small times to connect.
When Ben and I were first married, he admitted to having a “go big or go home” mentality with our time together. He felt like every vacation needed to be seven days long if we were going to get our batteries fully charged. “If you can’t go for an extended vacation, why even go?” he would say. He has definitely changed his tune on this, and I am thankful.
More and more, Ben and I are learning the art of seizing the small windows of time to connect. We have failed time and again when designating a certain night of the week for a date because inevitably, he’s traveling on that night, kids have music or sports, and so forth. We are now realizing that life with teenagers means that we search for the break in the action, enjoying a quick lunch or a walk around the block on a nice day.
Ecclesiastes 7:10 says, “Don’t say, ‘Why were the former days better than these?’ since it is not wise of you to ask this.” As tempting as it is to pine for those former days when our connection felt stronger, I’m learning that our marriage is happening right now. The connection I build with my husband today is where my focus needs to be.
If you’re struggling to stay close to your spouse, just know you are not alone. Hopefully, one of these ideas will help you rediscover the depth of his heart as he also discovers yours. “The conversation is the relationship.”3
Lynley Mandrell is the wife of Ben Mandrell, the new president and CEO of Lifeway Christian Resources. Before coming to Lifeway, Ben and Lynley spent five years in Denver, CO, planting a church designed to reach the unchurched. She is a mother of four and a fan of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Dr. Pepper®, and silence.
1. Brené Brown, “Connection,” Recovery Warriors, accessed January 31, 2022, https://www.recoverywarriors.com/connection/.
2. Susan Scott, Fierce Conversations (New York: Berkley Publishing Group, 2002).
3. Ibid.
