I recently returned from a week at the beach with seven of my closest girlfriends to celebrate my sixtieth birthday. I have known these friends for a very long time, though they come from different parts of my life and did not know everyone when we arrived.
One might think that with eight women together for a week, there would be some drama or disagreements, but we did not experience any. There was no drama, no cattiness, and no one felt left out. I may have gotten a little competitive during Rummikub, but otherwise it was smooth sailing.
As I reflect, it was such a good example of what doing life with friends across the years and across the miles should be. This isn’t because we are saints, but maybe we have all learned a thing or two while trying to live and love as Christ compels us. Personally, I have learned so much about friendship from one of the most relational apostles who ever lived, the apostle Paul.
Paul provided an example of what doing life in a community of believers should look like. His relationships that spanned his travels and ministry made it possible for him to have the incredible gospel-reach to the Gentiles that he had. So, as I have faced relational challenges over the years, I have often gone to Paul’s epistles for counsel on how to manage friendships. Here are five lessons in friendship I have learned from him that help me be a better, healthier friend.
Lesson in Friendship 1: Be others-focused and encouraging.
Across his letters, Paul was writing to, calling out, encouraging, and mentioning his many friends, companions, and co-laborers for the cause of Christ. In Romans 16, he mentioned more than twenty-five friends, calling them by name and explaining to others how their lives and ministries have impacted him. Paul gave countless “one-another statements” that direct us to put others before ourselves.
One of my favorites that I have on a sticky note on my desk is Ephesians 4:2 where Paul urged us to walk “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love.” Those attributes don’t come to me naturally, but I surely want to be that kind of friend. And it is humility, gentleness, patience, and the “bearing with” one another that causes friends to feel safe.
Another very clear and convicting Scripture from Paul is Philippians 2:3-4, which reads, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. Everyone should look not to his own interests, but rather to the interests of others.”
My default is usually to think of my own interests first and not others, so I need this reminder daily to love my friends and consider their needs before mine.
Lesson in Friendship 2. Be an honest, clear communicator.
Paul was not afraid to be concise in his communication. He loved his people passionately through his clear and honest letters. He was “for” his people even when it was more of a correction than a direction. His intent was always for their well-being and spiritual growth.
To follow his example, I try to always check the motivations of my heart before I share an honest opinion or give advice to a dear friend. If my motivation is selfish, I want to realize it and check myself so that I can communicate in a loving way and for a loving purpose. If something I want to share does not go through the “is this about them or me?” filter and land for their good, I try not to say it. One thing I get to do as a licensed counselor is help people have necessary but hard conversations with those they love. Often, a great deal of peace and relief are on the other side of being candid in a kind way.
Lesson in Friendship 3. It’s OK to ask for help.
Paul was vulnerable to letting others know his needs, whether for prayer or financial assistance. He knew the high value of the work he did for the furthering of the gospel, and he didn’t mind being vulnerable to seek what he needed from his friends and the churches. In Romans 15:30-31, he asked for specific prayer support: “Now I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, through our Lord Jesus Christ and through the love of the Spirit, to strive together with me in prayers to God on my behalf. Pray that I may be rescued from the unbelievers in Judea, that my ministry to Jerusalem may be acceptable to the saints.”
He made personal requests to his dear friend and son in the faith, Timothy. He wrote in 2 Timothy 4:9, “Make every effort to come to me soon.” And then went on to ask for very specific items he needed. I hear from so many women that I’m counseling that they resist asking for help because they don’t want to bother anyone, or they want to appear strong enough to handle it on their own. Paul was an incredibly strong, smart, and capable person, yet he knew he could not accomplish his calling without the help of others. He was dependent on others and the Lord daily.
Lesson in Friendship 4. Some friendships are seasonal.
Early in his ministry, Paul relied heavily on his friendship with Barnabas. Barnabas was called the “son of encouragement” and helped Paul gain acceptance from the people of the early church, who were initially afraid of Paul because he had previously persecuted Christians. But in Acts 14, the two men had a deep disagreement over the next course of their missionary journey when Barnabas wanted to bring John Mark. Acts describes how they disagreed and parted ways. I can imagine it was hard and painful for both men, but they both continued in the path they thought was best.
This can happen in our modern friendships. Some friendships are close for a season and then end abruptly, and others fade away more slowly. If that happen, it could be that your place or purpose in that relationship may have come to an end. The end of Paul and Barnabas’ relationship did not negate all God accomplished through them as friends.
Lesson in Friendship 5. Our primary Friend must be the Lord. He comes first!
This last one is one of the greatest lessons I have learned from Paul. Many years ago, I was in a very lonely place and was feeling neglected by my friends. Paul’s words in 2 Timothy 4:16-18 really ministered to me and convicted me: “At my first defense, no one stood by me, but everyone deserted me. May it not be counted against them. But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me, so that I might fully preach the word and all the Gentiles might hear it. So, I was rescued from the lion’s mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil work and will bring me safely into his heavenly kingdom. To him be the glory forever and ever! Amen.
As imperfect humans, our friends will sometimes let us down, but God never will. He will never leave us, forsake us, or neglect us. You are not alone. He is our first and best Friend. If you need more friends in your life, ask Him.
For more lessons in friendship from Scripture, check out the Friends and Sisters Bible study. Read an excerpt from the study here.
About Paige Keeton
Paige Keeton is the author relations specialist for Lifeway Women and also leads their destination events. She led the women’s events team for Lifeway for fourteen years and recently shifted roles so she can spend less time traveling and more time pursuing licensure as a professional counselor. She is currently a master’s level professional counselor at Lantern Lane Farm in Mt. Juliet, Tennessee. In her spare time, she is a fun aunt to four young adult nieces. Paige is mom to her Instagram-posing dog Ruby and loves singing, being outdoors, and spending time with her friends and family.
