I waited in a line of parents on the school sidewalk for my first grader to be dismissed from class. Her backpack slapped against the back of her knees as she stomped over. I gave her a quick squeeze and asked, “What’s wrong?” She gave an exasperated sigh and explained that a kid in her class didn’t believe she was adopted. “Why not?” I asked. She threw her little arms in the air, “He said I didn’t look adopted.”
I’ve thought about this little boy a lot since that day. I don’t think he was trying to be mean. He probably weighed all the information he had about adoption and came to the conclusion that adoption involves children and parents with skin colors that don’t match. He likely drew from a previous experience with an adopted friend, neighbor, or relative. My daughter didn’t fit into what he learned up to this point. I’ve thought a lot about this boy’s mom, too. I don’t know her, but I assume she’s a wonderful person and fantastic mother. Her heart would likely brim with empathy if she knew her son made my daughter cry. And I’m not surprised that she missed an opportunity in teaching her child about adoption.
We can’t possibly teach our kids everything by first grade. And if you’re anything like me, you wait to teach many things until they come up naturally, or until your child asks. But there are some things we need to talk about proactively, and adoption is one of them. But how do we do this? How do we talk to non-adopted kids about adoption? Here are six ways to start:
Read books about adoption as conversation starters.
Here are some of my favorites for discussing adoption with non-adopted children:
- Learning About My Friend’s Adoption: An Open Adoption Story by Allison Olson (focuses on infant domestic adoption)
- Just Right Family by Silvia Lopez (focuses on international adoption)
- Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born by Jamie Lee Curtis (could be about any infant adoption)
- All the Babies: A First Book About Adoption by Kate Rietema (introduces all types of adoption)
2. Use Bible stories to share how God has a heart for adoption.
Read about Esther’s adoption by her cousin, Mordecai in Esther 2:7, Moses’ adoption by the princess of Egypt in Exodus 2:10, and about our adoption as God’s children in John 1:12 and Galatians 4:5-6.
3. In age-appropriate ways, discuss different types of adoption.
- International adoption is when a family adopts a child from another country.
- Infant domestic adoption is when a birth mother creates an adoption plan, and chooses another family for her child. This plan often begins before a baby is born, and the child might grow up knowing both their families.
- Adoption from foster care often happens after a child has been removed from their birth parents’ care due to safety concerns. If a judge decides it’s not safe for a child to return to birth parents, a different family will adopt them.
- Kinship adoption is when a child is adopted by a relative—like a grandparent, aunt, or uncle.
3. Use positive adoption language.
- Focus on adopted children being loved, not lucky.
- Honor birth parents in the way you talk about them; everyone is doing the best they can with the circumstances they’re in.
- Help your child understand that happy and sad can exist together. It’s sad when a child can’t stay with his/her first family. And it’s happy when a child is adopted into a new family.
- Use terms like “birth mother” or “first mother” rather than “real mom.”
- For infant domestic adoption, talk about birth mothers “making an adoption plan” or “choosing adoption” rather than “giving a child away” or “putting a child up for adoption.”
- Avoid language that makes a child sound desperate or an adoptive parent sound like a hero.
4. Teach your child to respect private stories.
Some adopted children love to talk about being adopted, and some don’t. Hand your non-adopted child a delicate item, like an antique bowl. Explain that special things should be held gently. Tell your child that personal stories are like the antique bowl—they must be handled with respect. It’s fine to ask questions, but if someone doesn’t want to answer, that’s OK. If an adopted child does share part of his/her story, talk about how to keep that story safe.
5. Be creative in celebrating differences.
Have a coloring party and draw stick figure families. Draw a family with a single parent, a family with grandparents as primary caregivers, and a family with several different skin colors. Name your characters and make up stories, imagining how they became a family. Draw hearts on all your pictures and talk about how God made and loves every child and family.
By implementing these suggestions, we can help our non-adopted kids grow in sensitivity, building a generation of adoption allies. Adoption is not a one-time conversation but an ongoing discussion about family, belonging, and loving others well. We don’t have to do this perfectly, but we must do it proactively.
ABOUT KATIE RIETEMA
Kate Rietema is the biological and adoptive mother of five girls and has been a mom to many others through foster care. Overwhelmed by the kindness of God in her life, Kate loves to share her stories with others through writing and speaking. Kate is the author of “All the Babies” and “When God Makes Scribbles Beautiful,” works as a nurse, volunteers at her county jail and lives at the campground she and her husband operate in West Michigan. You can learn more about Kate on her website katerietema.com.