It’s Saturday night. I just got home from the worst date ever.
Just a few hours before, I was straightening my hair, anticipating seeing this “dreamy guy” in person, and telling my twin sister (aka built-in bestie) all about him. Could this be the start of something special? I wondered excitedly.
That thought was short-lived. Fast forward to the end of the date, I not only didn’t want to go on another date with him, I didn’t want to go on another date period. The guy who seemed “so dreamy” on his dating profile, was quite the opposite in real life. Handsome face, ugly heart—no thank you! It was the cold turkey I didn’t want—but desperately needed—to quit dating apps.
Ugh, what’s wrong with me? Why didn’t dating apps work out for me, and yet my sister is getting engaged to the man she met ON a dating app?” She doesn’t know it yet, but her boyfriend is proposing to her tomorrow. I’m supposed to help him pull off the surprise … “Please Lord, give me strength!”
I’m tired of waiting. Why isn’t God giving me what I deserve? I continued my rant. My words dripped with entitlement and discontent revealing the state of my own heart. “For the mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart” (Matt. 12:34). I wasn’t in a healthy place to be dating. But what I couldn’t see at the time was the idol of marriage that I had built. I slowly went from hoping to be married to putting my hope in marriage and thus, questioning God’s goodness when it wasn’t happening.
At the root of every idol is a lie. The lie I believed was that I could only have a rich and fulfilling life if I got married. Anything less would be signing myself up for a lifetime of discontentment. But as Paul challenged us in Philippians, contentment is not based on circumstances. “I know how to make do with little, and I know how to make do with a lot. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content—whether well fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need. I am able to do all things through him who strengthens me” (Phil. 4:12-13). The secret to contentment is Christ. Discontentment is not unique to singleness. In our flesh, we are all tempted to believe the lie that we need Christ plus something else to satisfy us.
In her book Embrace Your Life, Elizabeth Woodson wrote, “Even if our situation never changes, the God we serve is still good, and the life he has given us is still worth living because it’s a beautiful life that we get to live with Him.”
One of the most attractive things we can do is live a full life, following Christ and using our gifts to serve Him. Whether male, female, married, or single, we all have the same purpose: to know God and make Him known. The question is: How can you live out your purpose right now?
When we are living a fulfilling life in Christ, we can approach dating with open hands and a patient heart. I want to clarify that I’m not implying the advice that well-meaning people often give to those who are single. It goes something like this “When you stop looking, that’s when God will bring the right man into your life.” It’s hurtful and just plain not true. God is not withholding your future husband from you until you are “content.” I’m sure we all know plenty of content people who are single and plenty of discontent people who are married. And like we’re about to talk about, dating is a good thing, but it takes effort.
After I took a break from dating to focus on myself (spiritually, mentally, physically), I was determined to do things differently. I binged podcasts, read books, and learned as much as I could about dating. The struggle is real, y’all. Now, I’m not a dating expert, but here are some practical tips for navigating dating as a Christian.
- Take the pressure off a first date. I know it sounds silly, but I used to think that I could not go on a date with a guy unless I saw a future with him. Talk about pressure. Pressure on myself to impress this guy and pressure on him to win my affection. The truth is, no human can know what’s ahead on a first date! The only thing you can know is: Do I want to go on another date with this guy?
- There are multiple stages between singleness and marriage. Ben Stuart defines the four seasons of relationships as: singleness, dating, engagement, and marriage. You could also add a fifth to that list: singleness, dating, relationship, engagement, and marriage. Dating is an evaluation process to decide if you want to move forward in a relationship.
- But dating can also be fun. Take the pressure off and get curious about this person who is made in the image of God.
- Invite God and trusted people into the process. Pray for God to give you wisdom and discernment on each date. Pray that God would reveal any relational red or yellow flags in this person. Also, pray that God would make you attracted to what He deems attractive. “Humans do not see what the LORD sees, for humans see what is visible, but the LORD sees the heart” (1 Sam. 16:7).
- Along with prayer, you need community while dating. Tell a friend where you’re going on a date especially if you don’t know the guy well. Also, give them permission to speak into a budding relationship. We need wisdom and accountability from those who know us best and also know our blindspots.
- Determine which qualities are “must-have” versus “nice to have.” When I was a teenager, I made a list with qualities I wanted in a future husband. Those included: blonde hair, blue eyes, likes football, tall, Christian, and so forth. The only quality on that list that’s a “must have” is Christian. Everything else is a preference that I can hold loosely. When we distinguish “must have” from “nice to have”, we won’t reject someone because of his height, job, or hobbies. So, create a new (shorter) list of the qualities that are necessary and ones that are “nice to have.”
- Prioritize godly character first. The mistake I kept making (especially on dating apps) was asking the question “Do I find this guy attractive?” first. I was using this as the primary filter to decide if I was interested in getting to know a guy further. Sometimes, sparks don’t fly on the first date, but attraction can grow.
- Now, I’m not saying you should marry or be in a relationship with someone you don’t find attractive. But I am saying that you could go on a first, second, or third date with a guy you don’t find initially attractive.
- Date outside of your comfort zone/type. What is your “type”? Sometimes the man for you doesn’t “look” like you think he would.
- I once dated a guy who was not my “type” at all. He had long hair and played video games. I preferred guys with shorter hair and who enjoyed the outdoors. But neither of those things were on my must-have list, and it challenged me to look deeper. When I did, I saw a genuine follower of Christ, who was faithfully serving in his church and seeking to grow in all areas of his life. These things WERE on my list. I would have missed out on a great guy if I said no to a date because he wasn’t my “type.”
- Ask questions during the process. I know not everyone likes to journal about their feelings, but ask yourself a few questions after going on a date.
- How do I feel when I am around this person? Do I feel safe? Did I feel heard?
- Did I show up as my authentic self or was I trying to be someone that they would like?
- What qualities do I like about this person?
- Did I enjoy myself enough to go on another date?
Nearly a year and half after going on that terrible date, I went on a first date with the best man to walk into my life. Do you remember that guy with the long hair? That’s my husband, Will. 🙂 I am SO grateful for God’s timing. I’m so grateful I didn’t settle or force a relationship. And I am so grateful for the work God did on my heart even though it was painful. If I would have gotten married when I felt entitled to, I never would have appreciated Will as a gift of GRACE.
I realize that for some people, this part of my story might feel bittersweet to hear. You might be wondering, When is it going to be my time, Lord? I hear you. Please know that I don’t share this with you to brag in any way about being married.
I hope this encourages you if you feel exhausted or discouraged from dating. I hope you will see that good Christian men do exist. And most importantly, I hope you will know that God sees you and that you can trust God’s heart even when you don’t understand His ways.
ABOUT STACEY BLACKMARR
Stacey Blackmarr is a marketing manager at Nelson Books, an imprint of HarperCollins Christian Publishing. Stacey enjoys working with authors and marketing books that point readers to the hope of the Gospel. She and her husband, Will, have been married for over a year and live in Nashville, Tennessee. They are active members at King’s Cross Church in East Nashville, which Stacey helped plant in 2022. In their free time, they love exploring national parks, making lattes at home, and visiting their families in Florida and Mississippi.