The topic of gender identity and children can raise many emotions in us, especially fear. This is specifically true if your own child tells you they have questions about their gender.
If we’re honest, it’s hard to be our best selves when we’re afraid. Fear can make us withdraw, make us decide things hastily, or cause us to attack. Fear is a tough place from which to do our best parenting.
To navigate conversations with our kids who are questioning their gender identity, the place we need to start is with a promise from Scripture: “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and sound judgment” (2 Tim. 1:7). Let’s explore how this verse can give us a foundation to stand on, and then address some practical first steps.
Not of Fear
There are moments when fear in parenting is justified. I remember when I dropped my infant daughter while walking up some stairs. I panicked, checking to see if she was alright. When I realized she was crying, but intact, I wept. This verse in 2 Timothy isn’t claiming that it’s never right to feel fear. Instead, Paul is reminding Timothy, and us, that while fear is natural, God has given us a different spirit.
Our God is in complete control. He is not shaken nor surprised by our cultural moment. What’s more, our God is full of love: for you and for your child. This combination of power and love is a shelter we can always run to. Our child’s disclosure may have taken us by surprise, but it did not take God by surprise. We may have no idea what will come of this, but God holds the future in His hands. And He has promised that He has not given us a spirit of fear, because we belong to Him and are His agents for good in the world. Even if you have no idea what step to take next, you can breathe and take hold of the spirit our powerful, loving God has given you.
Power
Fear can immobilize us. This is why we have the saying about the deer in the headlights, and we know what happens to that proverbial deer. If your child has told you he is questioning his gender identity, you might feel weak, stuck, or lost.
But God has given you a spirit of power. Here, power is referring to ability or capacity. God has given you a spirit that can accomplish what is in front of you, which, in this case, is parenting a child. Take heart in this! As you pray and reach out to God, He will equip you with exactly what you need to be the parent He has called you to be. You may have a lot of learning to do about this topic, and it can feel very overwhelming. But God has given you a spirit of power.
Love
Fear can easily morph into one of its main secondary emotions: anger. When I dropped my daughter on those stairs, I was so very angry at myself for letting it happen. Some of my weeping was at my foolishness, which had put her in danger. If your child has told you that he is questioning his gender identity, your fear can easily rush into feelings of anger. Sometimes you may not even be sure who precisely you’re angry at: the media, all of society, the internet, your own child, yourself?
But God has given you a spirit of love. Anger is often proof of this love, in fact. It is what we feel when something we love is threatened. A spirit of love can recognize and feel that anger while also recognizing and feeling other aspects of love too. It may go without saying that we love our child—so much that we would die in his place. We also follow a Lord and Savior who died in the place of His enemies: “God proves his own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom. 5:8). This same Jesus called us to love our enemies (Matt. 5:43-45). The fear and anger that can course through us as we consider the topic of gender identity needs to be matched by this enemy-love. This may feel impossible, but God has given you a spirit of love.
Sound Judgment
Fear can make us panic. In a whirl of emotions, we fire out the first things that come into our minds. Our fight-or-flight mode gets activated, and sometimes we try both maneuvers at once: an intentional hit-and-run.
But God has given us a spirit of sound judgment. The Greek word behind the CSB’s “sound judgment” is translated as “self-control” in the ESV, “self-discipline” in the NIV and NLT, a “sound mind” in the NKJV, and just “discipline” in the NASB. They are all trying to grasp at the ancient concept of prudence: wise, temperate decisions and actions.
Sound judgment includes gathering all the data we need before we make a decision. Sound judgment means not acting on gut instinct but gathering wise counsel from people who love Jesus and have the relevant expertise. Sound judgment is not about being led by our feelings but about testing everything by God’s Word and our best understanding of what will bring about His good purposes for our child.
Practical First Steps
With these things in mind, here are some important first steps to take in talking to your child who is questioning his gender identity.
First, affirm that you love him and will always love him no matter what. Many children report feeling terrified of letting their parents know they have these questions, even when they are sure their parents love them! If your child took the brave step of telling you, thank him for this and show him affection. If you found out in another way, make sure your child knows that you love him and that he won’t be punished for having questions.
Second, adopt the posture of a listener and a learner. If your child has questions about gender identity, these questions came from somewhere, and your best way of understanding them is to ask about them. You can try something like, “Thank you so much for telling us about your questions. When you’re ready, we would love to hear more about how you’ve been feeling and what some of your specific questions are.” It’s OK to have whole conversations where you show curiosity and simply listen. This will help your child feel the love you promise you have for him.
Third, take time to learn more about the topic so you can make wise decisions and help lead your child. To start, you might pick up a copy of Robert Smith’s How Should We Think about Gender and Identity? or Andrew Bunt’s Finding Your Best Identity: A Short Christian Introduction to Identity, Sexuality and Gender. Books like these help us untangle what the Bible says—about the goodness of humans being made in God’s image as male and female—from some of our cultural ideas about how girls and boys should feel or act. As parents, we will need to lead our children. But to do this well, we’ll need to educate ourselves and make sure we are leading them in Scripture-grounded truth.
Finally, there is no better place to begin than by going to God and praying for more of that spirit not of fear, but of power, love, and sound judgment.
ABOUT RACHEL GILSON
Rachel serves on the leadership team of Theological Development and Culture with Cru. She holds a Master of Divinity from Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary and is currently pursuing a PhD in public theology at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. She lives in the Boston area with her husband and daughter. Her new book, Parenting without Panic in an LGBT-Affirming World, helps parents to teach young children what the Bible says about sexuality proactively and positively in a culture with contrasting ideas and values.