Yesterday was like most Sunday mornings. As a staff member of a large church, I passed many people scurrying through the hallways between three worship services, dozens of classes, and parents corralling toddlers and children of various ages. The typical greeting, “How are you?” was easily answered with the standard, “fine,” “great,” or if you’re super spiritual, “highly favored and blessed.” I love that one.
The problem was that I wasn’t fine, great, or even feeling blessed. I had just returned from a mission trip and was exhausted from a delayed overnight flight. I had a nasty cold and was trying not to shake hands or hug anyone for fear of being contagious. On top of that, most people had no idea the past four weeks had included difficult days of dealing with the care of my aging parents and eventually moving them into assisted living. On top of my personal concerns, I knew our pastor was about to announce his resignation at the end of each service.
As leaders, it’s often easy to pretend everything is going great even when it isn’t. It’s also a reminder that you have leaders entrusted to your care that need to know when you ask, “how are you?” that you really want to know how they really are.
When Jesus was asked in Mark 12 what was the most important commandment, He answered, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. The second is, Love your neighbor as yourself” (v. 30). I don’t necessarily see these as two separate commandments but as complementary in nature. When we love God with our heart, soul, mind, and strength, it becomes natural to love others. Loving God leads to loving people. Loving people leads to relationships that are authentic and are long-lasting. They are relationships when you can truly answer the “how are you question” by truly expressing how you are.
If you’re preparing for the fall, take some time this summer to check in with your small group leaders, your leadership team, or others who might need to have an honest conversation about their well-being. Use this time to ask about their heart, soul, mind, and strength—not as a performance evaluation, but as a personal time of caring for the women who are leading alongside you. If you need help thinking of questions, here are some ways to move the conversation along.
How’s your heart?
First, consider asking your leaders, “How’s your heart?” In other words, how are they fulfilling their calling? Are they content with their current leadership assignment? When was the last time they celebrated something fun? Are they at peace with others or are there relational strains that need to be addressed? These questions speak to the heart and how someone feels valued in their leadership.
How’s your soul?
Second, ask your leaders, “How’s your soul?” Don’t be shy about asking leaders how they are growing spiritually. Are they spending time each day in God’s Word? Do they have a spiritual accountability partner? What spiritual discipline would they like to grow in? These questions help challenge spiritual leaders to realize the importance of growing in their relationship with the Lord, not just performing a task.
How’s your mind?
Third, ask leaders, “How’s your mind?” In other words, are they continually learning? Do they need resources? Can they articulate their strengths and weaknesses? This is when the phrase “leaders are learners” becomes practical and applicable.
How’s your strength?
Finally, ask your leaders, “How’s your strength?” Maybe you won’t phrase the question in those exact words, but sometimes physical concerns affect the ability to lead. Maybe someone under your leadership is struggling with a health issue. Maybe it’s a relational issue within their family or at work. It could be simply helping leaders know how to prioritize what is urgent and when they need to say “no.”
None of these questions are intended to be a formula. Instead, these questions should come naturally and sincerely. After answering the “how are you?” question several times yesterday, I had one ministry wife pull me aside and ask specifically, “how are your parents?” While she knew some of my situation, I was able to explain some of the turmoil I had experienced over the past month. She empathized and took the time to listen to my struggles. It was a reminder we all need leaders who check in and show the way we display our love of God is in the way we love others.
ABOUT KELLY KING
Kelly D. King is the Women’s Minister at Quail Springs Baptist Church in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, and a Visiting Professor of Christian Ministry at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. She was the former Women’s Ministry Specialist at Lifeway Christian Resources and is the author of Ministry to Women: The Essential Guide for Leading Women in the Local Church. You can contact her at kellydking.org.
