Disclaimer: This blog post discusses infertility and gives specific examples that might be triggering for someone walking in that season. We want to be sensitive to the difficult nature of that journey while attempting to offer a glimpse of hope.
My heart was beating so fast that I thought I was going to be sick as I sat anxiously in the waiting room of the fertility clinic. At this point, my husband and I had been walking though infertility for three years. I’m not usually an anxious person, but in this moment, anxiety was taking over my body from my heart to my sweaty palms, down to my leg that couldn’t quit bouncing. The nurse opened the door and said my name. She led me down a hallway to an exam room. Once again, I had to dress down for them to do a physical exam. Ugh, I hated this part. Not only were my clothes coming off, but I felt like my dreams and hopes of a family were being stripped away, too. I was tired of being physically and emotionally vulnerable with complete strangers.
When the exam was done, she led me to small dark room. The sign outside of the room said Counseling Room. The doctor came in and looked over the paperwork that contained my bloodwork that I had done previously. She looked up and said, “Well, you’re infertile, and it looks like you have a five percent chance of getting pregnant.” She kept talking, but all I could hear or focus on was her voice ringing in my ears: “. . . five percent.” Five percent chance that I would ever be able to conceive. Five percent chance that I would ever see eyes that looked like my husband’s or brush hair that curled like mine. I left that office and tried to make it to my car before I burst into tears, but I only got as far as the end of the hallway.
The rest of the day was a blur. I just kept asking God, Why? I would like to say that I took all my worries to God and left them at His feet, never once looking back, believing that my suffering was inflicting me because of a greater story that God was writing. But that would be a lie. I was overcome by all kinds of emotions—angry, mad, and sad—to name a few. I was physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually exhausted. I also felt conflicted. The God that I was angry with was the same God I was crying out to, begging Him to open my womb.
Infertility took me on a spiritual journey I was not expecting. It taught me more about who God is. It showed me the power of His Word. And it produced in me a messy but beautiful blend of surrender and sanctification.
In Genesis 32, Jacob wrestled with God and was left limping. In my wrestle with God, I had to believe and trust He is a promise-keeper. I had to endure the pain of the struggle, and I had to let God heal the wound but leave the scar.
In Genesis 9, God promised Noah that He would never destroy the Earth with a flood again.
In Genesis 17, God promised Sarah that she would give birth to a son, despite her old age and infertility.
In Exodus 3, God promised Moses that Pharoah would let the Israelites go.
In Joshua 6, God promised to knock down the walls of Jericho if Joshua did what God instructed him to do.
In 2 Samuel 7, God promised a young David that he would one day be a king.
In Luke 1, God promised the virgin Mary that she would give birth to the Savior of the world.
In John 11, God promised Mary and Martha that the sickness of their beloved brother, Lazarus, would not end in death.
Jesus fulfilled at least three hundred prophecies to prove He is the Messiah.
Numbers 23:19 says, “God is not a man, that he might lie, or a son of man, that he might change his mind. Does he speak and not act, or promise and not fulfill?”
2 Corinthians 1:20a says, “For every one of God’s promises is ‘Yes’ in him.”
The promise I had to believe was that He is faithful. “If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny himself” (2 Tim. 2:13). Whether He answers my prayers for a biological child with a yes or a no, His character does not change. His faithfulness does not depend on me or how much faith I have in Him. He has been faithful through the ages; why would He not be faithful now?
When you are in the trenches of heartbreak and feeling alone, it is easy to forget that God is a promise-keeper. One of the best things to do is mediate on Scripture to remind you that you do not have to carry the burden of infertility alone. I remember being so frustrated by well-meaning family and friends who would say, “God is sovereign. He is in control. He’ll work it all out.” I knew that. I wasn’t doubting His sovereignty. I learned that I could believe in His sovereignty and embrace the pain of infertility at the same time. God is big enough to sit with us in our heartbreak, but our heartbreak doesn’t change His character.
Part of believing that God is a promise-keeper is learning to surrender what makes you comfortable. Sometimes to understand, we must surrender the right to understand. We must surrender the right to have control over the situation, the right to make the plan ourselves, and the right to understand a sovereign God. Sometimes the best thing to do is to sit alone with Him and be reminded of the promises of His Word.
I made a list of verses that helped me in my journey of infertility. For those walking through this hard season, I pray these verses comfort you, as you fix your eyes on the One who holds everything together (Col. 1:17).
Download the Bible Verses for Your Infertility Journey PDF
ABOUT CATHERINE INMAN
Catherine Inman is the event coordinator for Women’s Leadership Training Events at Lifeway. She served as a girls ministry director and as a missionary in Europe, Africa, and Asia, before coming to Lifeway. She is passionate about equipping women to serve where God has placed them. In addition to her work at Lifeway, she is currently pursuing a M.A. in Marriage and Family Therapy from Liberty University, while also serving in various ministries in her local church.
