A few months ago, I began a new ministry position in a large metropolitan church. In many ways, the transition wasn’t difficult. I moved closer to family, had lived in this city for fifty years, and had lots of connections, including many in the church where I am serving. Even so, being the new staff member can sometimes feel a bit lonely. The others already have relationships. I’m one of the few females on the ministry staff, and my office is removed from the main office suite. Even my ministry assistant is across the hall! I must remember my key fob to talk with her or meet with the majority of other staff.
It would be easy to feel lonely, though I consider myself to be an extrovert. At times I enjoy being alone, but mostly, I would rather surround myself with people. I like hall conversations, the energy of collaboration, and being around creative people who make me better in my work. Even so, loneliness can creep in and leave me feeling left out.
Many people in the Bible faced loneliness. The prophets likely didn’t have a lot of friends, especially when their message focused on God’s wrath or justice. I’m sure David faced loneliness many times, whether he was hiding in a cave or watching over sheep in a field by himself. Jesus had the disciples, but the weight of the cross was only His to bear. He felt forsaken by the Father, and His closest friends abandoned Him in His darkest hour. Esther was taken from her family. The bleeding woman was unclean and couldn’t be part of the community. The woman at the well came by herself as she most likely avoided other women who would easily judge her.
Loneliness isn’t a new concept, but it can still be painful. And though you may know God is always present and with you, ministry leaders can find ways to combat the sting of feeling left out. If you’re feeling a bit lonely, here are a few ideas that might help.
Initiate meeting other people.
Each week, I begin making my to-do list. I look at the overall calendar, knowing when I have meetings or deadlines. Because I’m still getting to know others in my new leadership assignment, I have a section on my list of “people to meet.” As I consider new friendships, or even established ones, I have learned I must reach out and find times for coffee or lunch meetings. A few times, I’ve walked into a restaurant only knowing a name but determined to connect with the person.
Be interested, not interesting.
In other words, how do you get to know others? Are you quick to impress someone with your knowledge, your experience, or who you know? Instead of focusing on yourself, focus on the person you are with. Ask good questions. Learn to listen and show empathy or compassion. Many of the women I meet are passionate about a certain aspect of ministry. It’s my job to connect their passions, spiritual gifts, and abilities to find ways to help them serve the church. One of the best ways to get to know someone is to simply say, “Tell me your story.”
Sometimes you might need help from others to make connections.
When I began working at Lifeway, one of the greatest gifts my director gave me was the invitation to meet others. She knew I didn’t know many people, so she invited me to lunch with potential authors, ministry leaders, and others from our organization. She helped me form new relationships, but she also taught me valuable skills that would serve me in my work just by tagging along. If you don’t have someone in your life who thinks about doing this, ask someone to help you.
Get outside your comfort zone. Surround yourself with people who aren’t like you.
Maybe it’s joining a gym, taking a class, or finding a new hobby. I know several people who are passionate about CrossFit. Many of them will tell you that one of the benefits is the community formed with others who are working out together, reaching new goals, and cheering one another on in their fitness journey.
Another way to surround yourself with people who aren’t like you is by finding new ways to serve. A few days ago, some of our staff spent the morning serving an organization in our city that serves many people who live in poverty. I spent the morning at a local elementary school preparing incentives for school testing. As I prepared snacks for the teachers, I not only got to know two of the women I work with, but also one of the volunteer leaders from the organization. I discovered this woman was passionate about the school.
On the surface level, it would be easy to assume she was a well-to-do woman looking for something to do. But as I heard her story of growing up with a mother who had addictions and a father who was incarcerated, I knew serving this school was personal. It provided her with a way to share the gospel in a difficult place. I left not only with the satisfaction of serving others but finding a new friend.
Find Peers Outside of Your Organization
If you are lonely in a ministry setting because you are the only female in leadership, consider finding peers outside of your organization. As I’ve met many women in ministry over the years, it’s not uncommon to hear they feel left out of the “guy” lunches, golf outings, attending conferences, or other ways the men in ministry might get together. It can be frustrating when you feel left out of conversations when decisions are made or strategies are discussed. Instead, develop friendships with other female ministry leaders. These opportunities can provide a place to dream new ideas, get feedback on what you are already doing, and be a safe place to share concerns or prayer needs. Find another ministry friend for you to process any struggles and also someone who can keep you accountable.
Above all, remember you serve a God who sees you, is with you, and in you. The next time loneliness strikes, consider Isaiah’s words in Isaiah 41:10.
Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with my righteous right hand.
ABOUT KELLY KING
Kelly is the women’s minister at Quail Springs Baptist Church in Oklahoma City. She previously served as the manager of Magazines/Devotional Publishing and Women’s Ministry Training for Lifeway Christian Resources. She is the author of Ministry to Women: The Essential Guide to Leading Women in the Local Church. Kelly is a contributor to the Lifeway Women’s Bible, as well as the Lifeway Women Advent and Easter studies. In addition, she is the cohost of the MARKED podcast for Lifeway Women. She has a Master of Theology degree from Gateway Seminary as well as a Doctorate in Ministry degree.
