My husband and I have been married more than thirty-five years. We have figured out a lot of things when it comes to marriage, yet there are many times we still miss the mark in the area of communication. Conversations that begin with, “I thought I told you . . .” or “How many times do I need to remind you . . .” are far too common. Responses of, “I can’t read your mind,” or “You think you told me that, but you didn’t,” almost always lead to frustration. I would like to place all the blame on Vic, but the reality is that I often have to look in the mirror to see the problem of misunderstanding and miscommunication can be traced back to me.
No matter whether it’s marriage, friendships, parenting, or ministry, we often make assumptions about what we hear, what we want to hear, and how it filters through our brains. Communication teachers often use the word noise to describe what happens when one person tries to relay a message to someone else and it doesn’t always go the way we think it should. The “noise” is what often gets muddled from one person to the next. If you’ve ever tried to have a conversation with someone who is more interested in what is on television, is focused on another project, or simply tuned out of the dialogue, you’ve experienced the common issue when noise creates a barrier.
Scripture reminds us in James 1:19, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.” Proverbs is filled with wisdom about the way we should speak, when to keep quiet, and how to avoid getting into trouble with our words. Proverbs 21:23 admonishes us, “The one who guards his mouth and tongue keeps himself out of trouble.” So, how can we do a better job of communicating with one another, both for understanding and kindness? Let’s break out the points James makes in his letter.
Be quick to listen. Proverbs 19:20 says, “Listen to counsel and receive instruction so that you may be wise later in life.” Listening and, more specifically, active listening, is understanding. Hearing something is passive, but listening is active. To listen attentively means one must concentrate on what the person is saying, keeping your mouth shut, and not thinking ahead about how to interrupt or one-up what the speaker is saying. Consider for a moment the last time you were in a conversation or meeting. Were you actively listening or were you thinking about what you wanted to say when the moment was right? Do you listen without judgment or do you jump to conclusions? Do you summarize what the person said in order to make sure you heard her correctly? These are all questions to contemplate when evaluating your listening effectiveness.
Be slow to speak. Proverbs 18:13 says, “The one who gives an answer before he listens—this is foolishness and disgrace for him.” Instead of making assumptions about what someone is saying, ask good questions. If what you hear is a little foggy in your brain, think about open-ended questions such as, “How do you think this information will help us move forward?”, “Why is this subject important to you?” or, “What are some more details that will help me understand your thought process?” And when you are ready to contribute to the conversation, take a breath. Think about your words before your speak them. Like toothpaste that is squeezed out of the tube, words are hard to take back once they have been said.
Be slow to anger. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.” If you are actively listening and slow to speak, you can avoid anger when you take a moment and process what has been communicated. I can still remember an instance when I was weeks away from an event and one of my team members told me she was quitting. I was furious, even though I didn’t tell her in that moment. I tossed in bed all night, angry that someone was so inconsiderate and would leave me without help so close to a big event. The following day, I called her back to ask more questions. She was quick to let me know that she was finishing her commitment for the current event, but wanted to give me a heads-up for the following year! My anger towards her subsided quickly and I realized I hadn’t truly listened to what she communicated. If you’re quick to respond in anger, take a moment and think about what you heard versus what the person really said. If you’ve been offended, seek reconciliation, and forgive quickly.
Finally, remember these statements when clearing up any assumptions.
- Clarity is kindness. We should have clear expectations when we lead or share information. Can someone repeat what you’ve just communicated?
- Empathy is gracious. Listen with compassion. Sometimes your emotional response is needed in a time of ministry. We bear one another’s burdens and when you truly listen, you are excerising empathy.
- Dialogue without distractions. What is standing in your way of really listening? Can you turn off the interruptions and focus on what someone is communicating? It might mean putting the phone away, turning off the television, or looking someone straight in the eyes and giving them your full attention. Just like a parent who gently holds their child’s face in his hands and says, “Look at me,” we can be better listeners if we fight the distractions that stand in our way.
ABOUT KELLY KING
Kelly is the women’s minister at Quail Springs Baptist Church in Oklahoma City. She previously served as the manager of Magazines/Devotional Publishing and Women’s Ministry Training for Lifeway Christian Resources. She is the author of Ministry to Women: The Essential Guide to Leading Women in the Local Church. She is a contributor to the Lifeway Women’s Bible, as well as the Lifeway Women Advent and Easter studies. In addition, she is the cohost of the MARKED podcast for Lifeway Women. She has a Master of Theology degree from Gateway Seminary as well as a Doctorate in Ministry degree.
