It’s one thing for an adult to struggle with worry and anxiety, but it’s another to see anxious preteens dealing with it. As the adults in their life, we can feel a little helpless, knowing that the responsibilities and challenges they are going to face in life just get more difficult from there. How do we fix it? We so badly want to be able to calm their fear and help them understand they’re surrounded by people and a God who loves them.
During the pandemic, my niece mentioned that she needed to read something at night to help her calm her mind before bed because it was always racing. That’s heavy, right? It doesn’t seem like a ten-year-old should have enough racing thoughts to keep her awake at night, but we all know the reality of what kids and teenagers are dealing with today is more complex and scarier than what most of us faced growing up.
So, what do we do? How do we navigate helping this next generation tackle worry, anxiety, and fear? Here are three things to consider:
Validate what your preteen is feeling.
We don’t mean to be hasty, but we often move so quickly to the next thing that we choose words like, “Oh, you’re fine.” Or, “It’s not scary,” when a kid is telling us he’s nervous or worried. Whether it’s scary to us or not doesn’t matter in the moment. It’s what the child is experiencing and feeling that does. Slow down. Be present. Let him know you hear what he’s saying and validate what he’s feeling. Your ability to remain calm with him also makes a really big difference. Choose words like, “I’m so sorry you’re scared (or anxious or worried). I know this can be hard.”
Offer a way to process what your preteen is feeling.
Start by asking questions, but don’t push too hard if you’re not getting a ton of answers. Throw out some activities he can do to work out the worries! This will look different for every kid. Some kids may want to write in a journal or color. Some may need to run around or hit a baseball. Doing something to work out all the feelings is really helpful. A physical activity and some deep breaths can truly help their minds calm down and shift perspective. They may want you to participate with them, or they may need some time alone as well.
Help your preteen figure out what’s true.
So often anxiety is rooted in the fear of the unknown or a memory of something in the past . Kids are afraid of taking a test because they didn’t do well on the last one. They’re afraid of the house catching on fire because they saw it happen to someone else on the news. They’re afraid of being home alone because someone might break in. Help them focus on what’s happening here and now, and help them understand God is always with them. If we can teach them who God is—a Provider, Healer, Protector, and Safe Place—we can help them understand they’re never alone when the worries start to set in. Their God and Creator is right there with them, and they can talk to Him all the time and ask for His help.
And please note: if what’s true in your preteen’s life is that an anxiety disorder or depression has been diagnosed, seek out the medication and professional guidance, assistance, and support he needs.
You’re going to be OK and so is your preteen. God didn’t give us a spirit of fear, but instead a spirit of power, love, and self-control (2 Tim. 1:7). Rest in that. Rest in Him.
Katy Boatman lives in Nashville, Tennessee, with her mini goldendoodle. She’s a writer, content manager, and author of You Can Rest and You Can Trust, but her favorite role is being an aunt to Shelby, Blake, and Ellie. Katy has spent sixteen years mentoring the next generation through student ministry, and she is passionate about helping them understand who God is and reminding them they are not alone. If she’s not writing or walking her dog, you can typically find Katy eating Mexican food with her friends! You can connect with her on Instagram: @katyboat.
