When beginning a friendship, you probably don’t picture how the friendship will end. You feel joy and excitement over a new connection, bond over mutual interests, and plan for exciting days ahead, not the day that you will part ways. Whether because of life changes, distance, or conflict, sometimes friendships end. This is a difficult reality to accept, especially as followers of Christ. We long for community and connection with others; in fact, we’re made for it (Gen. 2:18). Friendships are worth fighting for, and we’re given examples in Scripture of how to address conflict (Matt. 18:15-16). Yet, sometimes, no matter how hard we try to mend a fractured relationship, a friendship ends.
A few years ago, I experienced a conflict that led to a fracture in relationships with a few of my closest friends. If you knew me before this season, I hoped you would know one thing about me besides being a follower of Christ: I had great friendships. I took pride in my ability to maintain close connections with friends, new and old. So, to have any of those friends no longer want to have a relationship with me was devastating. I felt hopeless, lost, confused, hurt, and even angry. I questioned my worth and felt like I was the ultimate failure.
How could people I cared about so deeply and walked through life with for years no longer want me to be a part of their lives? I took steps to mend the relationships, apologized for my part in the conflict, and sought reconciliation, but it did not come, at least not immediately. I just didn’t understand. I still don’t fully understand, but three years later I see that the Lord used this painful experience to lovingly show me truths about myself, who He is, and how that impacts the way I approach friendships.
So, how do we reconcile the end of a friendship with our God-given desire for unity? Here are some truths the Lord is teaching me:
1. There is a season for everything, including friendships.
In Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, we read that there is a time for everything: to weep and to laugh, to mourn and to dance, to embrace and to avoid embracing. So, while there is a time to build friendships and lean into relationships, there may come a season when it is no longer time to invest in that particular relationship. That’s hard to accept—I know. Sometimes the break in a relationship is just for a season, and the friendship is restored. The time to embrace returns and unity is experienced again. The relationship will likely look different, but I’ve found in my own restored friendships that the bond can be deepened from reconciliation.
Other times, the break is permanent. This one is harder. I’ve learned through accepting the end of a season, even the end of a friendship, we can still embrace the good things that season, and person brought. Some of my most cherished memories are still with my former friends. I look back fondly on trips that we took and count them as some of my favorites to this day. While that time is over, I can appreciate the gift that it was for the season I walked with them and seek to live out the lessons I learned from our friendship.
2. Release reconciliation to God.
When a relationship is no longer healthy or bearing fruit, we can’t make it what it is not. I struggled with this when my efforts to “fix” my friendships failed. As a believer, I felt like it was my job to make the relationship good again through forgiveness and reconciliation, so I tried to right my wrongs, clarify, ask questions, and own my part in the conflict, but the others were not willing to move forward in restoration. People are not ours to possess. This is true of all relationships: friends, spouses, children, parents. We are stewards of these relationships, not owners.
So, when a friend disagrees with us, wants distance, or even wants a break from the relationship, we can do our part to seek the forgiveness we need, own any wrong we have done, and then ultimately leave the rest to the Lord. We must also remember that it is not a reflection of our worth if we aren’t able to make a relationship work. When our identity is attached to our friendships, we are tempted to try to control the other person’s feelings to maintain a connection. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for ourselves and for others is to allow space and allow the friendship to change, even to end. That may feel hopeless, but we have hope that God’s plans can be trusted. Trust Him when he removes a relationship that may no longer be in your or your friend’s best interest.
3. Redemption may not look how we expect.
I eventually learned to release my friends, but I still prayed for redemption. I still do. Over time though, the Lord showed me that redemption may not look how I expect. I thought the only way I could heal from the pain of the broken friendships was to receive and give forgiveness to my friends and experience healing together.
God has not redeemed my brokenness through restoring my friendships, not to say that this is impossible, but He has redeemed my heart through relationship with Him. Redemption for me looked like the Lord teaching me to redefine my worth in how much He loves me rather than how well I can make others feel loved. Ask Him what He wants to redeem IN you, not just between you and someone else. As painful as a situation may be, He can do more than we ask or imagine (Eph. 3:20). What if the “immeasurably more” He wants to do is within your own heart?
4. Jesus is the perfect Friend.
Humans are created in God’s image, and we are reflections of Him in beautiful ways, but we are also broken and sinful creatures in need of a Savior. The pain that people inflict on us when we feel betrayed or rejected, when that friend who was supposed to be there for us wasn’t . . . Jesus is different. He is always there for us, never turns His back on us, never betrays us, is never cruel to us, always loves us and meets us where we are with forgiveness. He is the best friend we can ever have.
When my friendships failed, my friendship with Jesus did not. It allowed me to see that I’m made for relationship with Him, and when I allow Him to be the perfect Friend I need, I am free to appreciate human friendships with their imperfections and not need perfection from others.
5. Don’t let the pain take a bitter root in your heart.
I found two ways that bitterness tried to take root in my heart: unforgiveness and fear. Whether your friend asks for it or not, offer forgiveness. You don’t have to tell your friend that she’s forgiven, but do the work that needs to be done in your heart to forgive. Write a letter and don’t send it, say it out loud to an empty room, or talk to a counselor. Don’t let unforgiveness keep you from living fully where God has you. And don’t let fear keep you from investing in other friendships.
After the loss of my close friends, I found myself terrified of all friendships and became guarded and isolated. This is what the enemy wants for us: to be alone and cut off from community. Don’t give in. You are created to be in relationship, with God and with others. This is where we put all the above pieces together: accept that seasons and friendships change, release and leave reconciliation up to God, remember your worth is found in Him and not the amount of friendships you have, ask Him to redeem your heart, embrace the sweetness of friendship with Jesus, and be brave to try again. Whether leaning into another existing relationship or starting a new one, reach out and let yourself be known and loved.
Years later, I can say that I am grateful for the painful experience of friendships that ended. Not because I don’t miss them—I do. But because if I hadn’t gone through the loss, I would still be tempted to cling to my worth through my relationships instead of freely loving others with my worth found as a child of God. Knowing that we are totally secure and loved by Christ, we are free to let others experience the full spectrum of their emotions, to allow relationships to end when it’s time, and to trust that there is good to learn when hard things happen with the people we love. What a friend we have in Jesus.
About Savannah Ward
Savannah Ivey Ward is a marketing strategist for Lifeway Women. She’s originally from Knoxville, Tennessee, and now lives in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, with her husband, baby boy, and silver lab named Rosie. She loves leading high school girls through Young Life and is passionate about helping women know the real, living Jesus.
