“I’m so sorry about your miscarriage, but at least you have other children. I have friends who can’t have children.”
I’m hoping those words sound insensitive to you and that you’ve never heard or said anything like that. But most of us have said careless words, words that we wish we could take back, and most of us have been the recipient of thoughtless comments as well. We want to say something helpful to people who are suffering, but it’s easy to get flustered. From someone who has been on the giving and receiving end of “unhelpful” help, here are five things not to say to suffering friends, and five things that would be helpful to say.
Five things NOT to say or do:
1. Don’t minimize their pain.
Using the words at least inevitably minimizes people’s suffering. It implies that what they’re going through isn’t that bad. When we minimize people’s struggles, it magnifies their pain, leaving them feeling misunderstood and alone.
It sounds like: I know it’s been hard to be housebound since your accident. But at least you can walk. You should be thankful you are alive—maybe you should count your blessings.
2. Don’t offer mini-sermons.
No one wants a lecture when she’s struggling. Bible verses are wonderful when offered at the right time, but it can feel like we’re slapping a Jesus sticker on people’s pain when we throw out verses indiscriminately. There is mystery in suffering, and we don’t know exactly why it’s happening or what good will come from it.
It sounds like: Romans 8:28 tells us that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord. So, you should be joyful through this tragedy knowing it will turn out for the best.
3. Don’t offer vague help.
Offering vague help is meaningless. We want people to know we care, but vague offers of help with no specificity aren’t helpful at all. People have no idea when or if we really want to be called.
It sounds like: Call me if you need anything.
4. Don’t offer unsolicited advice.
Unsolicited advice is veiled criticism. Our disapproval and judgment can cause deep wounds, implying the person is handling the situation poorly. It’s not that we can’t make any suggestions, but we shouldn’t offer them in a judgmental or prescriptive way, as if she must follow what we are saying.
It sounds like: You’re not setting strict enough boundaries with your children. They need more discipline. Tomorrow I’ll drop off a parenting book that will help.
5. Don’t ask prying questions.
It can be exhausting when we ask prying questions. Often the circumstances of someone’s suffering feel sacred or even embarrassing, and we shouldn’t press for details. It’s better to wait and let people tell us what they feel comfortable sharing.
It sounds like: What exactly happened? I didn’t get the details. Do you feel that it’s your fault?”
After hearing the things that we shouldn’t say, you may be terrified you’ll say the wrong thing. Here are things that would be helpful to say and do for suffering friends:
Five Helpful Things to Say and Do:
1. Show up.
Our presence is one of the most important things we can give our friends. Showing up in the hospital waiting room, their homes, or anywhere they are going can be a tremendous blessing. Words are not required. Just be there. Keep showing up because a lot of people show up in a crisis and then drift away.
It sounds like: Can I come to the hospital? I don’t have answers or eloquent words, but I want to be with you.
2. Offer specific help.
Suffering people often don’t know what they need. So, it can be immeasurably helpful when friends offer specific ways to help.
It could sound like any of the following:
- I would like to bring spaghetti and a salad on Tuesday. Does that work for you? Or would a different day or meal be better?
- Is there anything I can take off your to-do list?
- I’d love to help you on Friday. If you have errands to run, I can:
a) run them for you—just give me a list;
b) meet you at the store (or I’ll pick you up) and shop with you;
c) babysit your children (or the person you’re caring for) so you can run errands by yourself.
3. Encourage them.
Everyone wants to know she is remembered, and keeping in touch via text or phone is a good way to do that. We can encourage our friends by mentioning what they’re doing well and acknowledging what is hard while pointing to the promises of God.
It sounds like (spoken or written in a text): I’ve so admired how you are handling this, but I know there are hard days when no one sees or knows what is happening. When I went through a crisis last year, I was discouraged and depressed. I found repeating Isaiah 41:10 was a lifeline for me. It says: “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with my righteous right hand.”
4. Listen more than you speak.
Instead of asking general questions about how they are doing (which are difficult to answer), ask how they are doing at that moment. Keep in mind that some people want to verbally process their struggles while others prefer to internally process alone. Sometimes sitting with them in silence is what they want most.
It sounds like: How are you doing today? Or, What is best for you—would you rather I just sit with you, or would you like to talk? I’m fine either way.
5. Pray with them.
It’s easy to say, “I’ll pray for you,” with the best of intentions but then forget soon after leaving. When we offer to pray for the person right then, we communicate our care and ensure that we’ve actually prayed.
It sounds like: I’d love to pray with you right now if you’re comfortable with that.
None of us will offer the perfect help, and we can’t be everything our friends need. But when we show up consistently and prayerfully consider what we say and do, we can be the Lord’s hands and feet as we encourage one another.
Vaneetha Risner writes and speaks about finding hope in suffering. Desperate for Hope: Questions We Ask God in Suffering, Loss, and Longing as well as her memoir, Walking Through Fire, encourage readers to turn to Christ in their pain. Vaneetha and her husband, Joel, live in Raleigh, North Carolina, where she blogs at vaneetha.com. She is a regular contributor to Desiring God and has been featured on Family Life Today, Joni & Friends, and Christianity Today.
