Forgiveness.
When you read that word, how did it make you feel in your heart and soul?
Who or what came to mind? In the privacy of your own thoughts, what does the dialogue around forgiveness sound like? Are you struggling to extend forgiveness to someone who is longing for it, or are you longing for someone to forgive you? Perhaps the offender is completely unaware of the hurt he/she caused and your struggle to forgive him/her—or worse yet, he/she knows but doesn’t care.
Forgiveness.
It’s complicated.
Or is it?
In its simplest form, forgiveness is something Jesus instructed us to do throughout His teaching. Consider the words of Jesus as He instructed His disciples how to pray, “And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” (Matt. 6:12). If that isn’t hard enough to hear, two verses may be especially hard to read, “For if you forgive others their offenses, your heavenly Father will forgive you as well. But if you don’t forgive others, your Father will not forgive your offenses” (Matt 6:14-15).
Wow. Jesus wasn’t speaking about forgiveness that comes with salvation. He was teaching His disciples how to live out His teaching in the world that will bring completeness and wholeness (shalom) to ourselves, our homes, our communities, and our world. And as it turns out, forgiveness is a key component.
The Christian faith is based on staggering mysteries—such as salvation, the Trinity, the incarnation, the resurrection, and the working of the Holy Spirit. In our current Christian culture, we turn mystery into slogans and formulas. Instead of leaning into the mysterious work of the Holy Spirit, we seek comfort in quick fixes such as step regimens, ten tips for fuller faith, thirty days to freedom, or four steps to learn to forgive—the list could go on. When it comes to forgiveness (yourself and others)—there is no formula.
As we listen to women’s stories of offense, betrayal, wounding, and hurt—and experience our own—it is more likely that our thoughts turn toward the injustice or vengeance and the pain of the hurt rather than forgiveness. So how do we move away from “righting the wrong” and turn toward forgiveness?
Here are a few thoughts that might help, offer hope, and sustain you as you move forward on your path toward forgiveness. Additionally, I encourage you to process these with a trusted friend(s). I believe we do our best planting, growing, pruning, and fruit-bearing in the sacred community of one another (and I’m an introvert!). Unpack these, wrestle with them, pray through them, and give the Holy Spirit access to what is hard and hurting.
- Forgiveness makes no sense on human terms; in fact, it cannot be done in the “flesh”—it is a supernatural act of the Holy Spirit in you and then through you. We surrender; He supplies the power to see it through.
- Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling.
- Remember, there is a distinction between choosing to forgive and then feeling the anger or associated emotions that come when you are triggered by a memory. Feeling anger does not mean you have not forgiven; it means a neurological connection between the memory and the emotion is still there. Choose. Choose again. Surrender. Surrender again. Easy? No way. Possible? With Christ, all things are. Remember, quite often the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Be curious and kind with yourself and offer yourself the same forgiveness you offer to others—you deserve it as well.
- Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. In the shadow of your hurt, it feels like a decision to reward your betrayer, but in the shadow of the cross, it becomes a gift, from one undeserving soul to another.
- God initiated forgiveness, and as image-bearers, we reflect that to a broken world. We forgive because we are forgiven.
- While forgiveness doesn’t have a formula, here are some helpful tips to consider: 1) Be able to name and acknowledge the offense (not necessarily to the offender) to God and your trusted community. 2) Choose to forgive and release the offense and offender through prayer and processing. 3) Remember (as often as you need to) your choice to release the debt. Do not let feelings and emotions rule; eventually, your brain will loosen the connection between the memory of the offense and the feelings associated with it.
While these thoughts are not exhaustive or a quick fix, remember, God offers us hope and grace. Listen to the beauty of this quote from the heart of a dear friend who was working through forgiving her husband for betrayal: “Am I not called to this path (to forgive) because I am forgiven? I know this deeply … it drives me forward when I don’t want to be driven.” I pray this for you today—may His forgiveness toward you drive you forward when you don’t want to be driven.
If you feel buried under the weight of unforgiveness, I am so sorry for your pain. If processing your pain within a safe community of friends has not moved you toward healing, I encourage you to visit a Christ-centered counselor. The help helps.
Lifeway Women also recommends websites like aacc.net and biblicalcounseling.com to find a counselor in your area who can help you see God’s lovingkindness.
Kaye Hurta has a Masters Degree in counseling from Liberty University and is a crisis counselor for Women’s Events through Lifeway Christian Resources. Whether speaking, singing or listening, Kaye’s passion is to help others find intimacy with Christ and soul transformation through the living pages of His Word. “I was a wounded, lonely Midwest farm girl until the Divine Romancer swept me off my feet. I want to steward my story well so that others can find Him in their stories and be fully satisfied.” Kaye met and married her husband Chris in Austin, Texas in 1987. They have two daughters through the miracle of adoption, Madison and Cami. They live on Florida’s West Coast and are both on staff at Bayside Community Church. Kaye is also a contributing author for the Lifeway resource, Women Reaching Women in Crisis.