Surviving the Firsts After a Loss

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matt. 5:4). 

My friend quoted Matthew 5:4 to me, but I felt anything but blessed. I’m sure I stared at her with a shocked look on my face. Are you kidding me? I thought. I can’t imagine this is what blessing is supposed to feel like? All I could feel was a deep, physical ache somewhere between an anxiety attack and terrible indigestion. I knew what both of those felt like, and this was similar. My pain was real. It was physical and emotional. I’d experienced loss before but this was different. It was so much deeper. And then there was not just one loss but two, then three, then four.

I continually went to God’s Word for comfort. I remember reading Ecclesiastes 7:2-3, “It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, since that is the end of all mankind, and the living should take it to heart. Grief is better than laughter, for when a face is sad, a heart may be glad.” What in the world was going on? Where did that verse come from? I thought, “A joyful heart makes a face cheerful, but a sad heart produces a broken spirit” (Prov. 15:13). And my spirit felt broken. I was in the middle of so much grief and did not know how to get past it—if that was even possible. 

A turning point for me was when I was told that mourning is a spiritual discipline. It is the process of feeling and expressing deep grief or sorrow. Because I was a Christian and believed those I loved were believers as well, I had not allowed myself to mourn those losses as needed. I trusted God and the hope of heaven but I had not faced my loss on earth. I learned a lot as I continued to navigate the first year following the loss of several I loved so dearly. It was challenging and life was full of daily reminders of those who were no longer present on earth with us. 

Holidays and anniversaries can be especially difficult reminders of those you have lost, especially that first year. Moments of sorrow and sadness sneak into your day when you least expect it. Your emotional reserves are limited when a loss is fresh, and your coping skills may be in survival mode. Each first experience is laden with memories that may trigger tears, sadness, feelings of being overwhelmed, or uncontrollable laughter. 

Here are a few things to remember as you navigate the holidays if you’ve lost someone dear to you this year.

1. Plan ahead if you can. Think through what the holidays were like with the loved one present. What are the traditions or activities that you want to keep to remember and honor your loved one? What may be too emotional or challenging that you need to change this year? Are there certain memories that will bring gratefulness and sweetness to the holiday? Do you need some extra time for solitude and reflection? Things will not be the same in the absence of your loved one, so go ahead and plan accordingly so you are not caught off guard by your emotions.
   
2. Look for ways to celebrate or commemorate your loved one. Find a way to creatively remember and express your love for that person. How might you do something different to honor her? You can tell funny stories of past holidays, make her favorite recipes, or create an ornament or decoration to keep in her honor. When both my mother and mother-in-law passed in the same year, the funeral home actually gave us two snowflake ornaments with their names. We continue to put these on our Christmas tree each year. Celebrate a life well-lived but also remember that crying is a natural physical release and response of your emotions. Suppressing the tears invites prolonged grief and possibly depression. If there are tears during the holidays, remind others that you (or they) are human, and the tears reflect a great love for the person and how she impacted you. 
   
3. Reinvent the day and give to others. Find ways to make the holiday new and joyful in the midst of sorrow. Last Christmas a dear friend dropped by the supplies for our family to make gingerbread houses. My mother-in-law passed away on December 18, but on December 23, we sat around the table and put together gingerbread houses. My kids talked about how much Grandma would have loved decorating the houses, and as we laughed, we had a short period with a break from the sorrow we were feeling. We felt a fresh hope during a dark time. We’ve also discovered that as we do something for others, our hope is renewed, and we experience comfort in our mourning. 

Mourning is a highly individualized process. It is important to understand that people experience grief differently. Avoid feeling pressured by others to be happy or to participate in every holiday tradition you did in the past with your loved one. Allow yourself to remain in the process of mourning as long as needed. Just because you pass a first year mark of a holiday or anniversary, it does not mean that your time of mourning is complete. Stages of grieving are not on a specific timeline, and often the mourning does not end after the first anniversary. 

As you journey through this year of firsts after a loss, lean upon others and lean upon the Lord. Allow others to embrace you and listen as you share your heartache with them. Receive the comfort that loving friends and family provide. (See 1 Corinthians 1:4.) Spend time reading God’s Word and allow the Holy Spirit to bring the balm of comfort you need for your soul. He will comfort you in all your afflictions, all your sorrow, and all your heartache. 

For more help with your grief and surviving the firsts after a loss, consider this free resource from Lifeway Women.