If you’ve been in more than one small group at your church, you’ve probably experienced it. There’s a day that comes when you’ve had the DTR, you’ve thought it all out, and it’s time to break up with your small group.
The easiest thing to do would be to just quit coming, quit answering emails, or to text at the last minute on Monday afternoon at 5:55 p.m. and say, “I just can’t make it tonight! See you next week!” (When you actually have no plans to come next week.)
Being a part of community isn’t easy. When I moved to Nashville seven years ago, it was my fifth move in five years. (I don’t recommend it.) I jumped into a small group, and after a few months, I really wanted to quit. I didn’t have a really good reason, but I just started to feel like it was all too much. The thing is, I also was really desperate for community, so I stuck it out. I’m still friends with some of those women all these years later, and I’ve also been a part of several other groups.
Here are a few do’s and don’ts as you consider breaking up with your small group:
Don’t:
- Ghost or ignore your small group leader.
- Overcommit yourself and join three groups at the same time. (This never ends well.)
- Be a people pleaser. If the group isn’t the right fit for you, it’s okay! It’s not about how everyone else will feel about your decision.
Do:
- Be honest about where you are and what you can commit to.
- Give it enough time to make sure this is the right decision. Some of you are going to want to bolt after week two, but everyone is still settling into a new routine.
- Dig down to the real reason why you want to leave or change small groups —it may take a minute to get through the surface level reasons.
- Be kind. Even if you’re not leaving on great terms, honor God with your speech and actions.
Maybe you’ve been in this group for a while and you just know it’s time for a change—that’s okay, too! For some of you, this necessary ending is a call for you to lead a group in your church. God is putting a desire in your heart for something different that He can use you to lead out in a group of your own. He often makes us uncomfortable where we are to prepare us for what’s next. Talk to the right person on staff at your church about this potential opportunity.
If you’re ready to transition out of your small group, do it well and with clarity. You don’t have to give all 17 reasons why you need to move on, but you do need to say something. Give an honest but clear answer that doesn’t leave your leader wondering, “Is she coming back?” Be clear about your intentions, and honor those that you’ve been in community with. While leaving isn’t always easy, leaving well is honoring to God and to those in your small group.
Mary Margaret West serves as the Girls Ministry Specialist for Lifeway Christian Resources, which basically means that teenage girls and the women who lead them are her favorite people on the planet. She has a passion to equip girls and women to dive deeply into God’s Word and live out their calling, and does this by training, consulting, and speaking to women and student ministry leaders across the United States. Mary Margaret is the author of Show Her the Way: Your Guide to Discipling Teen Girls, is a former Girls Minister, and holds a master’s degree from New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary. She also hosts Lifeway Women’s {MARKED} podcast. Mary Margaret and her husband Jonathan live in Franklin, TN. Connect with her online: @marymargaretc and girlsministry.lifeway.com.