In case you missed it, this post was followed by When the Holidays Change Through Loss: Part 2, which you can find here. While Part 1 addresses those grieving this season, Part 2 addresses those walking alongside a grieving friend or family member during the holidays.
Christmas Carols. Joy. Lights. Family and church events. Movies and television all prompting you to gather around the hearth with those you love. But, what if a loved one isn’t around this Christmas? When you find an empty seat at your Christmas table, you may not feel like it’s “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.” In fact, Christmas may feel like a cruel and stark reminder of a life circumstance you don’t prefer.
Dear friend, please hear me say that I understand no small article can rightly attend to every situation, every type of grief, or every wound that is represented in our online community. I’m not trying to minimize your pain or experience with these suggestions.
But, if this holiday, you find yourself feeling a bit more grief than joy, in the spirit of 2 Corinthians 1:4, I’m going to pass along some of the comfort that the Lord has graciously given me in my times of grief.
Sometimes it seems as though grief comes in as many forms as there are moments. Maybe you feel left alone because friends or family have moved away for a new opportunity and a win for someone else leaves you feeling lost. Maybe you have a child who has wandered from the family and won’t be with you for the first time this holiday season. Maybe you are dealing with a chronic illness that makes this holiday season tougher than most. Maybe you’re faced with the death of a dream—you thought you’d have a family of your own by now, and Christmas brings the pain afresh. Maybe you are suffering because of the sin of a family member. Maybe all of the people in your life are present physically, but mutual understanding and love aren’t on the scene. Or, maybe this is your first holiday without someone that you’ve loved deeply for many years. Wherever you find yourself, God sees you. I’m sure the pain you’re experiencing doesn’t likely feel like a shower of God’s love and grace. But, hear this: God’s not done with you yet.
In the wise words of A.W. Pink, “Though you cannot now harmonize God’s mysterious dealings with the avowals of His love, wait on Him for more light.” In other words, God loves you.
He’s already made the grandest gesture of love possible in the sacrifice of His Son to purchase your salvation and to make it possible for you to have a relationship with Him. And He’s promised to take care of you, every day from now until forever.
If you look at the details of your life today and struggle to identify God’s love in the circumstances around you—or you think, love would never allow XYZ or do XYZ to me—wait for God to help you understand what’s happening or lead you to trust Him more deeply. We’re not guaranteed answers. But, if we seek Him, our gracious Father has promised to help us understand His character more fully. And by extension, to help us trust Him and His actions in our lives more fully. In the midst of our pain, grief, and suffering, we do well to “wait on Him for more light.”
Here are a few things that have helped me in my seasons of grief:
-
Choose to let God in.
In moments of hurt, it can be easy to shut your heart off to God (and others) while you try to come to grips with what has happened and what you’re feeling. It’s also easy to blame God for allowing your life to end up this way. After all, He is all-powerful and omnipresent. Please, please, I beg you to resist this temptation. (I can vouch from personal experience that choosing to be at odds with God in a season that is already fraught with great grief and pain brings yet another layer of anxiety and sadness.) Be honest with Him about what you are thinking and feeling. He wants to hear from you—the lovely things and the difficult things. He wants to care for you, to lead you, to guide you. It may not feel like it, but God understands you completely. Let Him be your refuge. Let Him lead you in healing, even in this holiday season.
-
Allow your community to bear your burden with you (Galatians 6:2).
It can be easy to feel alone in grief and feel like no one cares or understands. In most instances, in His grace, God has given us people to walk with us through these tough seasons. Do your best to communicate your thoughts, feelings, and needs to them. Honestly, they may not understand. And they may not get it right the first time. Even though your emotions may feel raw, try your best to extend grace to them as they try to minister to you. In these moments of grief, there’s no handbook. We’re all in need of God’s wisdom as to how to love one another well.
-
Be kind to yourself when you can.
You’ll likely be emotionally stretched at some point (or many points) in the holiday season. Maybe at a party, a well-intentioned and ill-informed acquaintance will ask where your sister is. Or, you’ll miss your husband as you feel the tension of going to your Couples’ Small Group party for the first time, newly single. Don’t be afraid to give yourself a break and do what you need to do instead of trying to look picture perfect or angle to make everyone else feel ok about your grief. The fact that we grieve when we lose people reminds us that we are God’s image bearers—our souls are eternal, we’re not made for such separation. There’s no timeline for grief, and no wrong or right way to do it. It’s nearly impossible to anticipate the things that may trigger your acute emotional pain, especially during the holidays. Take it one step at a time.
-
Honor/Celebrate the memory of who or what you’re missing.
If you’re mourning a death this holiday season, think of some special way to honor his or her memory. Make her favorite dessert or play his favorite board game all together and tell your favorite story about the person you’re missing. If the person you’re missing is still here on earth, but unable to be with you during the holiday season, organize a special time to meet up before/after Christmas. Or video chat or talk on the phone. My older brother lives in Japan and is not often able to make it home for holidays. So, sometimes my family will video chat with him while we’re in the kitchen cooking my grandmother’s Chicken and Dressing (which as far as I’m concerned IS the holiday spread). It’s fun to catch up with him, and he likes feeling a part of the tradition. If you find yourself missing someone who’s estranged from you or your family, maybe it would help to create a new family tradition. Work to find joy in this strained time.
I realize this is not a popular opinion, especially when you’re in the thick of grief, and I don’t say it flippantly, I promise—even in grief we can see God’s kindness. I have found that God’s provision and promises are most dear to me when I have to take Him up on them, when I need Him to come through because I can’t. When I have to exert faith and He allows me to see how He comes through. When my weakness is most apparent.
Ultimately every emptiness in our lives is meant to point us to the all-satisfying, all-knowing, all-loving Christ. Of course we are not glad for grief or pain or emptiness. But let’s allow it to point us back to Him. To usher us into deeper relationship with Him. To take Him up on His offer to be our refuge and our help. To exert faith and hope in the fact that God sees us and will mend these broken places, if we let Him. He can handle our grieving, our mourning, and our wrestling. He will make something beautiful out of us.
While it’s easy to see this season of hope as one that highlights your loss, let’s take a moment to remember what Christmas is all about. Despite all odds and great expense to Himself, God planned and performed the miracle of Christmas to eternally protect us from these types of grief and loss. I’m not trying to minimize the reality of your loss and pain. But as you speak truth to yourself in these difficult times, remember that ultimately, this Christmas season, though perhaps different from others, still brings with it great hope in the person of Jesus Christ.
The holiday may not look exactly as you might want it to, but please don’t allow grief or bitterness to steal your joy from you. More importantly, don’t allow it to rob you of your intimacy with God and what He could show you in the days to come.
Several years ago as I was working through a season of grief, God directed me to Psalm 119:37b. The passage reads: “Give me life in your ways.” I was so turned around, I didn’t even know what to ask God for or what to do next. I couldn’t have told you the right steps toward godly life and health. In the moments of doubt and sadness, I would lift this verse up to the Lord as a prayer, asking Him to give me life in His ways, whatever that might be, whatever it might look like. All I knew was: I wanted Him, I wanted His ways. I needed His help.
So, friends, I offer this verse to you as well. I pray that it proves helpful in both the dark nights of the soul and the days of brilliant and unbridled joy.
Let’s ask God to grant us life in His ways, with obedient hearts, expectant for His grace and love to bring us through.
Sarah Doss is a Content & Production Editor with Lifeway. She loves a quirky sitcom, baking as therapy, and travel (international or otherwise). As a recovering Lisa Frank enthusiast, she maintains a healthy affinity for school supplies and all things letterpress. Keep up with her on Twitter (she loves Twitter friends) at @sarahdossy.