We have a daughter whose scream can peel paint off a wall. I sometimes can’t discern whether her brother just smacked her with a hammer or she’s simply not getting her way. (To clarify, the former has never happened. The latter happens a lot.)
My wife, Christi, and I found ourselves in a rut where our own anxiety over how we react to her was superseding how often we were disciplining her. To be quite honest, the line is quite blurry. Is she using her voice to get her way? Did she do it or did her brother do it? Are we being fair? Do we use a time out? Do we take the toys? Do we separate them?
So often, as parents, we fret over discipline. Are we too hard? Too soft?
Yet, what we neglect to see is how quickly those screams have ratcheted up our anxiety levels to the point where we the parents are the ones who overreact.
One of my favorite parenting quotes comes from Mr. Rogers. “I think of discipline,” he said, “as the continual everyday process of helping a child learn self-discipline.”
Let’s begin by acknowledging that the “continual everyday process” can feel pretty miserable. Let’s also admit that those screams we sometimes hear from our little ones can cause us to lose our own self-discipline.
Which leads me to an important point as we think about grace in disciplining our kids.
Think about all of the major outcomes you want for your children—kids who love Jesus, get good grades, live happy, show respect, and so on. We fret so often about discipline. Yet, in one major study of the most effective child-rearing practices, behavior management was ranked seventh. That’s right, seventh!
The two most important factors for getting the outcomes we desire in our children were love and affection and, catch this: How a parent manages their own stress.
When we prioritize following the rules over and above showing love and affection, the “continual everyday process” can be quite taxing on our anxiety levels and how we react to our kids.
I’m not saying we don’t set limits. But as my mentor and friend John Townsend writes, “Truth without grace is received as condemnation.”
Here are four ways we can lead with grace when disciplining our kids—and also leave some paint on our walls.
1. Add 20 minutes of command-free time.
- Command-free time is unadulterated time with your child. You enter their world. If he wants to play trains, be Percy. If she wants to have a tea party, let her serve you.
- We spoke to a mom who was having a difficult time with her middle child. At five, he regressed to crying uncontrollably as she dropped him off at school. In tears, she was at a loss.
- We learned that her oldest child recently had surgery. Naturally, mom was spending more time at the hospital and increasingly less time with her other son.
- After reading about command-free time in Safe House, she began waking up earlier to get ready, and then prioritized 20 minutes alone with her middle son before school. Guess what happened? No more tears—for either of them.
- Not only is command-free time with kids gold for reducing anxiety, it is a proactive way of stopping tantrums and behavior problems before they even begin.
2. Listen to your child’s concerns first.
- I received a call from a dad whose middle school daughter got really upset at him for not allowing her to go to a Friday night football game. In the exchange, she lashed out, “I hate you.”
- Showing grace in a moment like this is much more difficult than extending grace in a proactive way. Yet, our children’s feelings matter. How would you respond if this were your daughter?
- If we’re really honest, many of us would probably react to the disrespect, not respond to her underlying motivation. The latter is responding in grace. It’s not that we’re condoning the behavior; we just empathize with the feelings behind it.
- A father modeling grace in the scenario above may instead respond, “I understand you’re really angry at me. What is it about the football game that matters so much to you?”
- I’m glad the father in this case responded in a similar manner. What he came to find out was that his daughter had been rejected by a group of friends for the first few months of the school year. She saw pictures on Snapchat and Instagram of her friends getting together without her. She sat at home on the weekends longing to be included. This football game was the first time she had been invited to be a part of the group all year.
- The father, after leading in grace, was able to address her disrespectful behavior toward him. For his daughter, though, understanding her intense feelings and motivation was the most precious gift he could have given her that night.
3. Whenever possible, take time to calm down before responding to your child.
- Though it’s always best to keep the consequence as close to the misbehavior, sometimes we need to take a step back first. Knowing yourself is critical. We have a much greater likelihood of reacting—either yelling or spanking out of anger—when we feel stressed, angry, hungry, lonely, or tired. Remember, we’re teaching our kids self-discipline by how we act.
- Sometimes the most grace-filled action to take is to create space for you and your kids to calm down before addressing the issue.
4. Give a do-over.
- Mornings can be a challenge. Waking up hungry and groggy can result in some pretty bad attitudes. Instead of beginning the day with time-outs and stern voices, we sometimes give our kids a banana and a glass of milk, and then send them to their rooms to come back out and start the day over again.
- Don’t forget to give yourself grace too. Sometimes, we all need a do-over.
Joshua Straub, Ph.D. serves as Marriage and Family Strategist for Lifeway Christian Resources and is the President and Cofounder of The Connextion Group, a company designed to empower families to live, love, and lead well. He is author/coauthor of four books including Safe House: How Emotional Safety is the Key to Raising Kids Who Live, Love, and Lead Well. Josh and his Canadian bride, Christi, reside in Nashville with their son, Landon, and daughter, Kennedy. You can listen to Dr. Josh + Christi on their podcast or watch them on Facebook Live talking about marriage and parenting in the 21st century. Josh + Christi are the creators of TwentyTwoSix, an online community for parents to disciple kids, together. You can sign up today at 226parenting.com.