After more than three decades of marriage, I can say this with full honesty: marriage is both one of God’s greatest gifts and one of His greatest classrooms. It has shaped me, stretched me, humbled me, and blessed me far more deeply than I could have imagined. Over the years, I’ve collected a list for the journey—things I wish I’d known earlier, things I’m still practicing, and things I’m grateful God keeps teaching me. Here are my top twenty lessons from thirty-plus years of marriage, shared with the prayer that they’ll encourage you wherever you are on your journey.
1. Love is a daily choice, not a one-time promise.
Feelings ebb and flow, but choosing to love your spouse each day creates stability and trust. Love “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Cor. 13:7).
2. Marriage works best when you assume the best.
Misunderstandings happen. Jumping to the worst conclusion about your spouse creates distance; assuming the best creates safety.
3. Your spouse can’t read your mind.
This is a hard one for me that I’m still working on. My parents did not allow me to voice my thoughts and opinions on things growing up as a child. But with your spouse, say what you need. Say how you feel. Say what you hope for. Clear communication is a gift to both of you.
4. Kindness is rarely forgotten.
Sometimes the smallest kindness—a soft tone, a gentle answer, a thoughtful gesture—shifts the entire atmosphere of your home. Remember: “A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath” (Prov. 15:1).
5. Your marriage is not in competition with anyone else’s.
It is easy to watch a great rom-com or see a cute couple holding hands and feel like you’ve lost that tenderness in your marriage. But comparison with others (real or imaginary characters) steals joy. Your relationship, your story, your pace, and your journey are unique.
6. Forgiveness is non-negotiable.
Forgiveness is non-negotiable, not because your spouse is perfect, but because neither are you. Forgiveness keeps bitterness and resentment from taking root. “Therefore, as God’s chosen ones, holy and dearly loved, put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another … just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you are also to forgive” (Col. 3:12-13).
7. Laughter is holy glue.
Think about your life and your marriage right now. Even in the best of seasons, life can get heavy. Laughter lightens the load and keeps your hearts connected.
8. Marriage takes ongoing learning, not just years together.
Time passes naturally; growth doesn’t. Over time you will either grow together or grow apart. Choose to grow together. Keep learning your spouse, even after decades.
9. Prayer changes more than arguments ever will.
Prayer softens hearts and invites God’s wisdom into the relationship. Even when you feel your prayers are one-sided or you think you are the only one in the marriage praying, keep praying.
10. You will go through seasons—don’t panic when one feels hard.
Every marriage has chapters or seasons: busy ones, quiet ones, confusing ones, joyful ones. Hard seasons don’t mean something is necessarily wrong with you, your spouse or your marriage—they mean you’re human. Remember to go through these seasons together rather than apart.
11. Affection matters more than you think.
A hug as you pass in the kitchen, a hand on the back, a kiss before bed—these little touches say, “I’m still choosing you.”
12. You won’t resolve everything in one conversation.
I’ve heard that most problems are not 30-minute sitcoms with a quick resolve and conclusion. Some things take time, maturity, and patience. In marriage, not every problem or disagreement needs a dramatic finish line in the moment. But always make the emotional investment to continue working through the issues over time.
13. Speak life over your spouse.
Words build or tear down. Do you find yourself evaluating your spouse, speaking critical or negative words to him or about him? Catch yourself and be the one who speaks encouragement, blessing, and belief into who he is. Life-giving words that are positive, honest, and true will speak life into your marriage. Look for the best in your spouse.
14. Never stop being teammates.
Life will throw challenges at you—kids, careers, finances, aging parents, disappointments. Facing them together makes all the difference. “Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their efforts. For if either falls, his companion can lift him up …” (Eccl. 4:9-10a).
15. Choose connection over correction.
People need to vent at times. They need to share the frustrations, the disappointments, the mistakes, and just have someone listen. Sometimes your spouse doesn’t need advice. He just needs a listening ear that will not evaluate or judge. He needs understanding, empathy, and a safe place to land.
16. It’s healthy to keep growing individually.
A strong marriage is built by two people who keep maturing spiritually, emotionally, and personally. Growth fuels connection. It is good to have hobbies, interests, and learning opportunities as individuals. It makes each a more interesting person.
17. Grace must be abundant—more than you think is “fair.”
Marriage doesn’t work on a “50/50” model. And it is rarely, if ever, that both are giving 100%. We are human after all, with our flaws and selfishness. Some days one person carries 80%, some days 20%. Every day shifts and grace fill the gaps. Manage your expectations of your spouse and remember love and grace bring connection and win in the end.
18. Celebrating small things builds deeper joy in a relationship.
A finished project, a good day at work, a shared cup of coffee, a date night … small celebrations reinforce gratitude and warmth. Simply having some time together in a busy life full of demands should be a celebration.
19. Ask good questions and listen deeply.
“How are you really?” “What’s been on your heart?” “How can I support you this week?” “What do you think about … ?” Good questions and really listening to one another deepen connection far more than surface-level conversation.
20. Marriage is a covenant, not a contract.
Contracts are transactional. Covenants are relational. A covenant says, I’m in this with you, even with all our flaws, and even on the days it’s hard. God’s design for marriage reflects His faithful, unwavering love for us. “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Mark 10:9).
Final Thoughts
Thirty-plus years of marriage haven’t made me an expert in marriage. But these many years of marriage have made me grateful. Grateful for the grace of God that has held us together, shaped us, and kept us growing. Grateful for a spouse who is imperfect like me but committed like me. And grateful that God uses marriage not just to build a home, but to build our hearts.
If I’ve learned anything, it’s this: a strong marriage isn’t built in big moments—it’s built in thousands of small, faithful ones. And by God’s grace, those small moments add up to something beautiful.
About Dr. Michelle R. Hicks
Dr. Michelle R. Hicks is the managing editor for Journey devotional magazine with Lifeway Women. Michelle served as a freelance writer, campus minister, and corporate chaplain before coming to Lifeway. She is a graduate of the University of North Texas and Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. Michelle has a deep hunger for God’s Word and wants others to discover the abundant life they can have with Jesus as their Lord and Savior.
