“I don’t know how to do today, God, but you do” has been the prayer I have been speaking out loud for years in the morning and through tears into the night as I processed my divorce.
In my personal story and twenty years of family ministry experience, I have found this to be true: women do not casually or carelessly make the painful decision to separate. The journey can look like years and years of grief, the devastation of betrayal, advocating alone for repair, counseling intensives, facing the fear of unknowns, losing community, and taking the first steps to fully provide and care for the family alone.
Many friends I reached out to for safety or support eventually felt they needed to back away and didn’t know quite how to handle the news, what to advise, or ways to practically help. There were very few who had the training and knowledge to guide me in my situation. But, throughout the unknowns of the divorce process, my God has been my unfailing stability, and He brought friends along the way to remind me that He saw me, knew my every need, and was still a detailed for-me-and-not-against-me God.
So now what? How can you support women and families through the heartache of divorce?
Listen.
When hearing about a friend facing divorce, you might not fully understand her pain, but you can listen as she maps out her next steps. I remember doing so much next stepping in my head that all I needed on some days was someone to help me make lists. My process included locating and starting over in rental homes, interviewing for a new job, and figuring out finances, all while being present for the physical and emotional needs of five kids.
Your friend is looking for a soft, safe place to land. It may be tough for your overwhelm to not grow along with hers. One of the most difficult parts of this process is fearing not being heard or believed. As she navigates uncomfortable church and community conversations, you can be the one who listens and even speaks the words, “I believe your pain.”
Encourage.
Encourage your friend through biblical truth by pointing her daily to God’s faithfulness and provision. You don’t have to have all the answers, but you can continually remind her that God is the same today as He was before her world caved in.
Go with her to church if she’d like to talk to one of her pastors. Help her find a small group of women at church walking through similar circumstances who will understand. Support her as she seeks out counseling throughout her journey. Pray with her in her newly found home (writing her notes with Scripture help too). It may feel like you should already know what to do or how to respond, but you feel unsure and ill-equipped. If you have been a part of a church community or women’s ministry leadership for any time at all, you’ve probably walked with women through divorce, but every situation comes with its unique challenges. Pray and ask the Lord to show you how to help. He promises to be a faithful guide.
Offer.
Find practical ways to support! Sometimes your friend will want company. Pick her up and go for a drive. Bring coffee to her porch. Run errands with her. Take the kids out for ice cream or to the park so she can be alone to let out her tears, pull out her journal, or just take a much-needed nap.
After I relocated my family and set up a temporary life in my friend’s basement, I remember a lot of challenging days as I started my whole life over. But also at the top of my memories list are friends who dropped off gift cards for gas, groceries, and restaurants. Another friend loaned me her son’s car to get around town. You don’t have to do it all or do it with a fancy flair. It could be as simple as giving her a call at the same time each day or being faithful to return her texts as she sorts through the wreckage and makes plans to move forward with the kind of hope only Jesus can offer.
Remember.
Instability is part of all our lives. If you have spent any time at all in the valley, you’ve become hyper-aware of God’s nearness, His discerning voice, and the steady way He grows your faith. Divorce is never something I wanted to know how to do or be good at, and maybe your friend feels the same way. As you help your friend, you will witness God using this trip through the valley to minister reminders that this present trial will not have the final say nor will it deplete her of joy, hope, and the peace of Christ.
Therefore, we do not give up. Even though our outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day.
2 Corinthians 4:16
Friend, we know that there will always be hurt, AND there will always be a God who fills us with strength. He helps us see our deep need for His mercy, showers us with kindness, and offers unmatched stability in every trial we endure on this side of eternity.
Check on your friend today. Grab her a few groceries, send her that encouraging song you heard, or take her kids to pick up a pizza. Being available to listen, encourage, and offer to help will minister to her more than you can imagine.
ABOUT Jenny Holzknecht-Howell
Jenny Holzknecht-Howell has led in the local church for over twenty years, giving her all to family ministries across the country. Her best experience has grown from mothering her five favorite kids ages ten to twenty-five years old. Jenny’s home is a busy hub of conversations, cooking, and a side of crazy! She is passionate about connecting biblical hope with the hearts of women through writing and speaking. Jenny grew up in Alaska, so obviously her heart beats for mountains and a good snowstorm! Jenny has a B.S. in Education with a thirty-hour Bible & Theology ETA certificate from Toccoa Falls College, Georgia.