After some particularly tear-filled afternoons—on the part of my kids and myself—working through homework, I realized much of our frustration came from my inability to acknowledge their gifts and also my own.
It sounds counterproductive to talk about encouraging the gifts of your children by starting the discussion focused on your own gifts, but that was the biggest breakthrough for me in helping them. Much like the flight attendants’ instructions on a plane, “Put your mask on before assisting someone else,” you can’t help your children breathe life into their gifts until you’ve first learned to acknowledge your own.
In our house, the issue was a writing assignment. For me, writing has always come naturally. I didn’t dread essays in school. I hoped our teacher would let us write instead of answering multiple-choice questions or, even worse, giving a presentation in front of the class. But I’d never learn to appreciate that as a gift or anything special. Anyone can write, I’d say to myself.
Because I’d internalized that message in downplaying my gifts, I couldn’t figure out why some of my kids struggled so much with their writing assignments. Yes, they were great at math or social studies or art, but “anyone can write,” so that should come easy as well. It didn’t come naturally to them because it wasn’t their gift.
So, before you set about encouraging your child’s gift, make sure you recognize that God has given you good gifts and talents. What comes naturally to you? What gives you joy? What have other people gone out of the way to compliment you on? It’s not prideful to acknowledge God’s grace in your life through His gifts to you. It’s a false humility that behaves as if God didn’t uniquely equip you to serve Him.
After you’ve recognized your own gifting, you can move to encourage your children in theirs. First, help them to identify their gifts. Ask them similar questions to what you asked yourself. What do you enjoy? What comes easy to you? When do your friends and classmates talk about how good you are at something?
Some gifts may be static, but others may be seasonal. Both you and your child should continue asking questions about your gifts and passions.
When you and your children feel like you’ve identified their gifts, provide opportunities for them to put them into practice. Provide some supervised time for them to work with tools and build something. Ask them to help make supper. Obviously, as they grow older and their skills become more advanced, give them more freedom and more chances to use their gifts by themselves.
While you’re giving them opportunities, encourage them to find ways to use their gifts to serve others. God doesn’t give us our gifts for us to hoard but to use them to glorify Him and serve others. Think together about ways their gifts can be used to fulfill the Great Commission and the Great Commandment.
As they demonstrate their gifts, regularly affirm them in their lives. Compliment your child on his new drawings. Read that story she just wrote. Taste his latest kitchen creation. Ask questions about the latest book she read. Congratulate him on his latest achievements or award.
Finally, help your children connect their gifts to the Giver. This prevents us from being prideful about our talents and abilities, but it also allows us to flourish and see our gifts reach their fulfillment. Help your children see that God has given them special gifts. Because of their unique gifts and where and when God has placed them, no one else can do exactly what they can do for God’s kingdom.
As you and your family recognize your gifts and affirm each other in them, look for ways you can serve God and those around you not only as individuals but also as a family. What particular needs can God meet through your unique gifting combination as a family?
Aaron Earls is the senior writer for Lifeway Research. He and his wife live in Murfreesboro, Tennessee with their four kids. When he’s not writing or with his family, Aaron is probably watching a Marvel movie or reading a C.S. Lewis book. You can read more from Aaron at TheWardrobeDoor.com.