A Note from Chris Adams: My dad passed away just before Thanksgiving in 1989. We had to go through the holidays still grieving the loss. You have many in your church who have recently (or sometime this year) faced the loss of a loved one. One thing you can do is offer GriefShare Groups in your church as an ongoing ministry to help others walk through the loss. Offer Surviving the Holidays during the holiday season as an event. Today, Dr. Deb Douglas (First Baptist Church, Bossier City, LA) provides many other great ideas on how to help those mourning a loss as they enter this Christmas season.
My mother and father died in separate years between Thanksgiving and Christmas. That first year each time, I went through Christmas in a fog. I existed and did all the right things. I went to the Christmas events at church, somehow managed to have gifts under the tree, and I survived.
By the grace of God, I survived Christmas and mourning.
Life goes on. Loss happens regardless the season. It seems sharper, more heart wrenching, and more personal at Christmas. With loss comes mourning.
How do we help someone mourning during the Christmas season?
- Be prayerful. Pray for those experiencing loss. Pray with the woman who is hurting. Nothing is sweeter than someone caring enough to stop and pray with you.
- Be sensitive. While we cannot plan an entire season around one woman in mourning, we can be sensitive to her loss.
- Consider having a memory tree at church. A memory tree is an ordinary Christmas tree that becomes a place where stories are told, memories are shared, and healing begins. Everyone is invited to create a Christmas treasure by writing the name of a deceased loved one on a Christmas ornament. Here are the steps for creating a memory tree:
- Put up a lighted tree in a prominent place in the church.
- Have Christmas ornaments, paint pens, and ornament hangers available.
- Advertise the tree’s existence to promote participation.
- Have someone available to explain the meaning behind the tree and assist with writing the names on the ornaments.
- After Christmas have the ornaments available for participants to take home as a keepsake.
- Bonus blessing: as people place their personalized ornaments on the tree, they tell the sweet stories behind the loss.
- Consider having a memory tree at church. A memory tree is an ordinary Christmas tree that becomes a place where stories are told, memories are shared, and healing begins. Everyone is invited to create a Christmas treasure by writing the name of a deceased loved one on a Christmas ornament. Here are the steps for creating a memory tree:
- Be available. Be willing to stop and listen. Yes, the season is busy, but time spent with a hurting woman can change her world.
- Be observant. Last year, I noticed a woman who is normally at every church event was absent. I got busy with the season, but later found out she had locked herself away from everyone, unable to move on from a great loss in her life. The loss had occurred a few years earlier, but it had taken time to catch up with her. After a conversation over coffee, she slowly made her way back into participating in church life.
- Be hopeful. Remind her of God’s love for her and His tender power to heal the brokenhearted.
- Be informed and informative. Grief is said to come in stages; I believe it is more like waves. These waves come at us and overcome us, but they are survivable. There are waves of shock, anger, bargaining, normalizing, and then acceptance. Eventually, we learn to surf on the waves rather than be drowned by them.
- Be helpful. My husband is gifted with the art of serving others. A few Christmases back, one of our friends lost her dad. With three children, Paul saw a need. The mom did not have time to shop, so he made inquiries and discovered that a pink toy cell phone was needed to complete the youngest daughter’s Christmas dreams. Paul searched until he found two possibilities and purchased them both. The mom was deeply touched and mentions this act of helpfulness often. Being helpful shows true care and concern.
- Be tolerant. Do not expect someone going through a deep grief to be cheerful and bright, attending all the normal Christmas events at church. And please do not tell her to “put on her big girl pants” and get over it! That’s the worst advice/encouragement you could give.
The most important thing we can do to help someone in mourning at Christmas is to refrain from hiding or avoiding her. Avoidance is noted. It is hurtful. It is not easily forgotten.
At the times when hearts are the most vulnerable and raw, a loving hug, a kind word, and a sweet prayer shared restores the hope of Christmas. Bring the hope to those who are mourning this year.
For more help and resources on ministering in the messy, check out Women Reaching Women in Crisis and Steps: Gospel-Centered Recovery or refer to the other articles in the Hurting Women or Ministering in the Messy categories.
Dr. Deb Douglas has served in women’s ministry for over 37 years. Now she spends her time working with Purchased Ministry, a ministry to women in the sex trade industry. Deb is also the Director of Biblical Counseling at First Baptist Church, Bossier City, LA. She was the first to graduate from New Orleans Baptist Theological seminary with a Masters degree focusing on women’s ministry and has earned a Doctor of Education in Ministry degree from NOBTS. She is “Pearl” to 3 sweet grand babies, “Mom” to Jared Douglas and Katie Chavis, and wife/sweetheart to Paul Douglas.