It’s time to talk about my divorce. I have been divorced for 12 years and 6 months. I was married for 12 years and 6 months. I divorced my husband in January of 2004. Those words look so stark. And they should. Divorce is a stark and hard thing—a tearing, a breaking, a death.
I believe God is calling me to share some of this journey with you, but know as you read this that this is far from my entire story. This is a portion and a perspective. One reason I am writing this is because everyday I hear of a woman who is choosing divorce very early on in marriage.
I want to start by saying I don’t tell this story to judge or condemn anyone, or make you feel like I’m judging your story. To write a blanket “this is what you should do” post that fits every difficult situation is impossible. I am just telling my story because it’s what I know and what I have. And I need to tell what God has revealed to me in the past few years about His heart for marriage, for miracles, and for covenant.
I’m writing this for those who may be contemplating divorce. Let me be clear that I am NOT talking to those in abusive situations. And there are different kinds of abuse. You may be physically battered and bruised or your heart and mind may be battered and bruised. This post is not about me telling you that you have to stay in your marriage no matter what.
Back when my marriage fell apart, God taught me of His great love, covering, provision, and grace for me. His presence came down and dwelt with me as a Father when I needed one most. My earthly father died five years before my separation, and I was in desperate need of wise counsel and fatherly care. I had previously never experienced God’s presence in just that way. He was tender to me. He led me beside still waters in a valley and tended to me there. My ex-husband and I were separated for a year and a half and God pruned me, taught me, and comforted me in that time. My marriage was difficult, and I did not take the decision of divorce lightly.
But here is the gist of this post: I now regret divorcing my husband.
The reasons we divorced are personal and private and won’t be shared here. My ex-husband has seen and approved this post. This is his story, too. I also want to clear the question of abuse. We had our issues, but that was not one of them. My ex is a good man and we share a friendship now and a hope for the other’s happiness in life. His family is still very precious to me.
I was doing what I thought was my only choice at the time. After 12 years and 6 months, the woman I am now would not have chosen to divorce my husband.
You may be there right now, feeling “choice-less,” trapped, feeling like all you can see are your vast needs, heartache, rejection. Or maybe you are void of any feeling at all, and you can’t see a different way than divorce. You may feel like you made a wrong choice. Maybe you are distracted by another man, and you daydream about him bringing you a fresh start. Wherever you are, I hope you will read this and ask God what He would say to your reason or reasons for divorcing.
Looking back, I just wish I could have had vision beyond my circumstances, to see beyond myself, to walk by faith and not by sight. I hope my 12 years and 6 months of perspective, of living and learning and regret, will be insight for you of what you might experience years from now if you choose divorce.
I am talking to someone who is feeling hopeless with no biblical reason for divorcing; someone who just wants OUT. My advice to you is to pause. Just stop. Wait. Breathe. Make room for God to move, even if it takes years (and it might), look to Him, wait for Him to move and not your husband. Ask God what to do and then really listen to Him—and not through the lens of only what you want Him to say. Give yourself distance, time, and space to evaluate your motives.
I’ll be blunt. If you believe that His best for you or your “best self” is on the other side of divorcing your husband, then you believe a lie. Your best self is found in dying to self (Gal. 2:20, Luke 9:23).
If you are divorced or are contemplating divorce, someone may have reminded you of how God hates divorce and He does (Mal. 2:16). He hates divorce, but at the same time He loves you. Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive. They go together. God knows what is on the other side of divorce.
I heard Beth Moore teach long ago at an event that we think we know the true desires of our hearts but it is God who truly knows them (better than we ever could) and ultimately He will guide our hearts there (Psalm 37:4). In other words, we think we know what is best for us but only God knows and sees it.
Recently, I have talked to a couple of other friends who have divorce regret stories, even though their marriages were very difficult. You can only know what divorce feels like after it is done. And it doesn’t feel good. The freedom you think might finally satisfy you will not. Only Jesus can satisfy the deep longings of your soul.
My greatest regret is not having more faith. Jesus has so much grace for my choice. He had it then and He has it now. I’m not beating myself up or walking in condemnation. He is full of grace. He is sovereign. He is the One who has been pruning and teaching me all of these years. I just wish I had been still before the Lord longer. I wish I had rested more in Him and waited and not just moved or drawn a hard line in the sand. Maybe you need space to breathe and be before the Lord. If you need it, then take it.
In closing, I will simply say this. I believe I missed a miracle. This month would have marked my 25th wedding anniversary. I can’t stand next to my ex and say, “by God’s infinite grace and power, we have made it,” as I have heard other couples say.
I’ll never know what strength God might have given through our weaknesses as a married couple if I had stayed, if I had continued to pray and waited more on Him. But this I do know, His resurrection and healing power are alive and well today. God is a covenant God. That vow I made was a serious thing to Him. God is a miracle worker STILL. And He is merciful.
So what now? Go to Him with your dying marriage before you sign any papers. Ask God for vision beyond your current circumstances. Get good Christian counseling. Cling to Jesus. Ask Him to give you a different “want to” if you really just want to divorce and it’s all you can think about.
Put your need for a miracle before Him. Go with His time frame, not yours. Take heart. Wait on the Lord. I’m praying for you, sister.
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Paige Greene is the Director of Adult Live Events for Lifeway where she manages a team of event planners who implement Bible study, enrichment, and simulcast events for women, men, college students, and senior adults each year. She came to Lifeway in 2006, but prior to her work at Lifeway, Paige managed domestic community relations for the Operation Christmas Child project with Samaritan’s Purse. She is also working on a Master’s in Professional Counseling. In her spare time, she is a fun aunt to four teenage and young adult nieces and loves traveling, singing, and spending time with her family.
My story as well. Thank you for sharing. I’m doing Priscilla’s Armor of God, and I am on the Shield of Faith right now. Wish I had used it more back then. I love your one line, “I may have very well missed out on a miracle.” I married for better or worse (didn’t know that would include drug addiction and safety issues for me and my daughter), in health and sickness (again…….didn’t know that would include addictions, emotional abuse, mental health challenges) til death do us part. I messed up and listened to unwise unChristlike advice. I didn’t think I could handle it anymore, but God could have and I didn’t trust Him enough. He is my Redeemer though and in Him, and only Him, have I gotten through the darkest times of my life. I wonder what my life, the life of my ex-husband, and my beautiful 10 year old daughter would be like today if I had only trusted in my Savior.
Paige this is especially hard for me because my husband is a pastor of a very small church This is not a first marriage for either of us. My issue is a bit different in that my husband is a very difficult man to deal with. I am treated as an after thought. His manner of speaking to me is often with a harsh tone. We have no communication. He is critical of most things I do and even criticizes my ministry work. I’m at a lost because I don’t see the biblical husband or pastor of the bible. I am contemplating divorce because I don’t believe God joined us together but rather we joined ourselves together. I married him without knowing him out an emotional need. I know the Lord and I’ove Him and I know how He hates divorce. It seems I can’t pray or don’t know what to pray for. Thanks for your honesty. Not knowing what’s on the other side gives me pause.
These comments had so many stories, lives affected, ladies and men… and my own family…. I am right now praying for each of these situations, soaking you all (and my marriage!) in prayer. Thank you for writing a typically unpopular topic. Many strong Christians and counselors have advised me to divorce. The fear of the future (esp. In staying…esp. for the kids), is so real and overwhelming at times. Yet this is satan’s deceptive tool to cause me/us to be spiritually crippled and ineffective. The evil one’s attemot to rob God’s glory. After time in the Word, for now, God wants me to wait in His timing. Now. At this moment. One step at a time. Rest in Him today. Miracle or not. Not sure what future holds, but as the saying goes I know Him who holds the future.
My story, as well. Thank you for writing about this so truthfully.
Thanks for speaking out about this very sensitive issue. I felt like you were speaking for me because I have the same regrets you do. God has blessed me in my struggle to figure out why I did what I did and throughout my repentance process. He is still performing miracles in my life but I didn’t give Him a chance to perform one (or more) in my previous marriage. I had no control over my then- husband so the marriage might have failed anyway. But I didn’t give God the chance to perhaps work a miracle and save the marriage.
I have since gotten my masters in professional counseling and my experiences have helped me with clients. Thank you for your well-written and, I believe, inspired article.
Thank you for writing this article for me…I will wait for Him
Thank you for sharing your story. I’ve been married 19 years and have no plans to divorce, though marriage has not been easy. We’ve faced many of struggles over our years together and I’ve wanted to give up many times. Life hasn’t always been easy. But God kept reminding me ” It’s always too soon to quit…. Therefore we never give up or in.” And yes, it’s required a lot of dying to self that’s been painful but necessary. I’ve learned that the hard seasons are good for us as they teach us dependence on God.
We are in full time ministry and will soon be leading others in relationship/ marriage ministry as we begin an Initimate Encounters group at our church. We know brokenness, we understand hopelessness, but more importantly, we know what a good thing it is to wait on the Lord and never give up.
As a new Christian at Auburn Universtity, the Lord gave me Psalm 27:14. It has been my life verse. Your story helped me understand WHY God gave me that verse so many years ago. He knew I would need those words.
As we continue to face struggles and challenges in our life and marriage, I will continue to take heart and wait on the Lord. It’s only by God’s grace that we stand firm. You have greatly encouraged my heart today Thank you more than you know.
Thank you for sharing your heart. I too regret my divorce. Though I wasn’t the one who filed, I was the one who left, and I wonder if things would have turned out differently if I would have stayed and waited in stillness on God.
I really enjoyed the message! I have a cousin who is thinking about divorce and I need her to read this before she does anything. She has been married for 28 years and I am not sure her of her reasons. But, I do know that they are not biblical. Yes, she is a dedicated Christian and loves the Lord with all of her heart. I just don’t want to see her making a mistake. Thank you for this article!
This is excellent ! Wonderful advice from a Godly woman. Thanks for sharing. It will help others. The Lord does His miracles and healing if we will let him. I know from experience.