When my wife and I got married, we were probably the least qualified, least prepared, and most unaware couple there was when it came to saying “I do.” To say we were clueless does no justice!
When we have conversations with other couples about what they were looking for in a spouse, about the specific prayers they prayed in relation to marriage and their future spouse, or how God confirmed that this person was “the one,” we are always amazed.
We’ve heard some of the most amazing stories of how couples fell in love or found their spouse. Our story sounds nothing like those stories.
Neither me nor my wife were looking for a spouse. We definitely weren’t praying for a spouse. And neither of us had even considered marriage, or thought we’d get married…ever!
To be completely transparent there was probably a 60/40 chance that the answer to my “will you marry me?” question would be “NO!”
But the answer was yes, we did get married, and soon after we realized how much we didn’t know. And as a result, marriage and life became really hard. Much harder than it was when we were just friends, or just dating.
In hindsight we realize things could have been much smoother, there could have been fewer tears and less drama had we known a few things before we said “I do.” Here are 7 things I wish I knew before I said “I do.”
- Marriage is not about me or happiness. I was a selfish person prior to saying “I do.” I’m sure my wife occasionally says that’s still true. Life was about me. Unfortunately, I took that into marriage, and it was a recipe for disaster. I assumed marriage was about being happy, and by being happy, I mean me being happy. But marriage has more to do with my maturity in Christ, and God using my marriage as a tool to bringing this about, than it has to do with my happiness.
- You lose when you win. I played sports growing up and through college, so this was a tough concept for me. When our team got the better of the other team, we won. Not so in marriage. If my “victories” come at the cost of my wife, then it’s no victory at all. This is where the term “win-win” should be the focal point. You win when you both win. You win when no matter the issue, you both come out feeling loved, respected, and more connected.
- Marriage is hard! Somebody shouted “amen!” when reading that just now. Marriage is one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. Point blank. Fortunately, as hard as it is, it can be just as fulfilling. As we reflect on our hardest times, we’ve realized they are some of our greatest times. We enjoyed more time together, spent more time with God, and experienced more growth than any other time. It wasn’t always pleasant, but painful. However, it produced an amazing harvest.
- Real love is not sappy like on TV. Watching relationships on TV will give you the wrong impression of marriage and love. Aside from the glorification of infidelity and other things, most of the examples of love are actually passion and lust. If that was your example of love, which to a degree was for me, then watch out. Real love is making the daily choice to be patient when pressured, kind when mistreated, selfless while serving, and to be slow to anger. Real love is speaking and acting in love whether being loved or not, and doing it over and over again.
- You’ll feel alone, but you’re not. One of the biggest problems in our marriage early on was the feeling of being alone and isolated. I would get caught up in thoughts that we were the only couple who had these crazy problems, or my spouse is the only one who does this, or I’m the only one who has these thoughts about my spouse or my marriage. Not so. As we connected with other couples — peers as well as counselors — we discovered our challenges were not unique by any means. Everyone else was just as crazy as we were! Had we known this early on we may have sought out other couples sooner to come alongside us as friends and mentors.
- You will be brought to your knees and that’s a good thing. We’ve had experiences which challenged us. We’ve had experiences that frightened us. We’ve had experiences that brought us to our knees. But that is good. The end result of those situations brought humility, which constantly led us to our knees in prayer and to a reliance on God we hadn’t experienced before. Had we known this earlier, we may have put up less of a fight against one another and sometimes against God.
- Covering my spouse in prayer is critical. Our lack of prayer life in the first few years of marriage was such a mistake. Our prayers primarily consisted of blessing our food, good night prayers, praying at church, and the occasional desperation prayer. But when we “discovered” the power of praying for and with our spouse, it changed the game! Consistently praying together is still a challenge, but we know how critical it is, and that realization is half the battle.
Whether you are a couple getting fitted for the engagement ring, a newlywed showing your commitment with your wedding rings, or a seasoned couple still discovering new things about your spouse and your marriage, it’s helpful to know the things listed above.
When you do, you give you and your spouse the chance to have a marriage which is long-lasting and truly fulfilling. I believe this is something we all knew we wanted before we said “I do.”
What’s one thing you wish you knew before you said “I do”?
Jackie Bledsoe is a professional blogger, author, and speaker, but first and foremost a husband and father, who encourages men to better lead and love their families through his blog, JackieBledsoe.com.He’s the author of the The 7 Rings of Marriage™, and with his wife of 14 years, co-hosts The 7 Rings of Marriage Web Show. You can find more about Jackie on his blog and download FREE marriage resources created to help you have a lasting and fulfilling marriage.
Jackie and his wife Stephana will be speaking at Lifeway’s upcoming Marriage Getaway retreats in Ridgecrest, North Carolina and Branson, Missouri.
